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HANEY'S USEFUL HANDBOOKS. 




THE 



llHoMPfT 
munOi 




OR, 



WHAT TO SAY WHEN CALLED ON. 



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i iMlji'jte":! 




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OB, 



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EXTEMPORANEOUS SPEAKING OF ALL KINDS AND 

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A guide to the proper remarks to make on all ordinary occasions and 
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PUBLISHERS' PREFACE. 



While there are several works on the principles of 
oratory, and collections of speeches innumerable, it is be- 
lieved that the specialty selected as the subject of the pre- 
sent work has been but barely, if at all, touched upon else- 
where. There are few of us who are not at some time 
-called on to say a few words in public ; these demands may 
come when least expected. To be unable to say anything 
under such circumstances is not only humiliating to the in- 
dividual himself, but may seem discourteous to those who 
have honored him by the call. 

There are many having all natural qualifications demand, 
ed, who fail for the want of a few hints and helps. The 
difficulties experienced are often of an imaginary character, 
or of such trifling nature that an experienced speaker 
would have little comprehension of their crushing effect 
upon the novice. To point out the requirements of ail 
ordinary occasions of impromptu speech-making, and to 
afford such aid as may be useful, are the aims of this little 
treatise. While avoiding formal rules and elaborate dis- 
quisitions, care will be taken to show clearly the things to 
avoid as well as the things to strive for, in both the matter 
and the manner of the speech, and the particular points of 
etiquette to be observed. 

Occasionally persons of excessive diffidence, however 
fully they may know the requirements of the occasion or 
thoroughly prepared themselves for their discharge, fail for 
no other reafton than this timidity. Such individuals will 
probably be glad to know that a most sensible chapter on 
u Gaining- Confidence," giving much interesting and useful 
information as to the causes and most effective means of 
overcoming this distressing weakness, may be found in a 
little pamphlet entitled u Self-Cure of Stammering," which 
can be had of any bookseller at an outlay of twenty-five 
cents. 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER, 



PART I.— INTRODUCTION. 



ON very great public occasions, none save a, very prac- 
ticed speaker is apt to be called upon to address 
others j and a practiced speaker either needs no instruction 
or from a confidence in his own powers is apt to spurn it. 
But an ordinary man finds many periods of his life when he 
is suddenly required to face an audience, and where he is 
expected by those around him to say something. On such 
occasions we have witnessed a vast deal of embarrassment. 
Men who could talk well enough on ordinary matters, and 
Who were fluent of speech among their fellows, found them- 
selves tongue-tied, or fearfully hesitant, when expected to 
stand on their legs, and talk to an audience of a dozen, 
none of whpm they regarded as their superiors. It often 
occurred to me that an essay upon extemporaneous 
speakers, giving hints to those same bashful fellows how 
to speak and act when necessity calls for speech and 
action, might save a deal of trouble and annoyance to all 
parties. The publishers of this little manual, having the 
same notion, applied to me to prepare them a short practi- 
cal work on the subject, rand this chiming with my own 
views, I set about the task. This much to show why this 
little book has been prepared and published. 

It is not merely my purpose to give models of speeches 
which may serve for imitation and guidance, or with modifi- 
cations, might even be cribbed on many occasions, but 
rather instead of teaching my readers how to use other 
people's brains, to show them how they may cultivate thetr 
own. I wish to show them, whether the quick-witted or 
dull, the principles that lie at the bottom of all manner of 
speech making, and to teach, not only the kind of language to 



8 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

be used, but the mode and manner of using it ; the most 
ordinary man, though he may not become a great orator 
without close study and natural qualifications, may never- 
theless learn to acquit himself creditably when occasion 
calls for the utterance of a few well chosen words. 

I am aware there is too much speech-making among us. 
The tendency of the age is to gab. Vanity prompts men 
to talk, and love of amusement, or a pernicious custom, 
impels others to demand talk. But since it is a tendency 
of our people, neither censure nor ridicule will break it 
down. The only thing left is to render it as little offensive 
as possible. Let us try to make those who will talk, even 
in articulo mortis, talk sense, or that agreeable nonsense 
which sometimes is its proper substitute. On most festive 
occasions, the audience is a friendly one. They wish the 
speaker to succeed. His failure is not even a satisfaction 
to his enemies, if such should happen to be among the 
guests, for it would mar the pleasure of the occasion so 
much that the gratification of personal spite would not pay 
for it. On all such occasions the party must endeavor 
to remember that he is in his own house, in many respects, 
and that he is really not making a speech at all/ 

In that fact lies, however, the genuine causs of all em- 
barrassment inexperienced and unreflecting people suppose, 
when they are called on to say anything, that they must 
deliver themselves of something witty or profound or ele- 
gant. Wit, if it be real is always acceptable, but, unless 
in a practiced hand, is a dangerous edged tool to handle. 
Profundity and studied elegance are out of place at an 
ordinary social gathering. A man who has to present 
something to his friend, in the presence of common friends, 
detracts from the value of the gift, if he bore the recipient 
and the rest with a set oration. Neither the subject nor 
the time justifies it. A studied piece of declamation ending 
by the gift of a walking stick, or a silver mug is like the 
cry of the street vender in Constantinople : " In the name 
of Allah and the Prophet — figs ! " The rule on this, as on 
every other occasion, is to rise to the subject, and not above 
it, and when you have done, to stop. The last is a rule 
which some speakers think they should honor more by the 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 9 

breach than the observance, and this false notion of theirs 
is what makes the proceedings in town meetings, and the 
debates in legislative bodies so dreary and tedious to the 
listeners. 

Inseparable from the mode of making small speeches is 
the etiquette of such occasions. One half of the effect is 
due to decorum. The speaker has to consider where he 
is, and who is around him. He has to study ease of manner 
and this is best studied by not thinking of it at all. 

In rising to speak get up naturally and stand as you 
always do, without any endeavor to strike a picturesque 
attitude. Make no attempt to look solemn, or you will be 
apt to look silly. Avoid gesture, which is only graceful 
and effective when it springs from the excitement of the 
moment in a long and animated discourse. Speak in your 
natural tone of voice, neither too low or too high — lower at 
first, and increasing your tone gradually as -you go on. 
Fix your eye on the farthest man, and speak so that he can 
hear you easily, and then all the rest will. 

Above all rememiipr that on minor occasions you rise to 
talk, and not to declaim ; and the nearer you approach to 
the colloquial in what you say, the more you will please 
your friends, and satisfy yourself. 



PAST II.-OF TABLE SPEAKING. 



THE American people, like their English, Irish and Scotch 
progenitors — to say nothing of the German element 
—belong to an eating race j and no gathering seems com- 
plete to them without an unlimited amount of food and 
drink be furnished. The phrase, il dinner-speech,' 7 is 
genuine, and may be made to include talking at a variety of 
places, from a wedding-breakfast to a clam-bake. But the 
dinner-speech proper is of a more formal nature than others 
of the genus, and sometimes involves a little premedita- 
tion. 

The etiquette of a dinner in public differs very little from 



10 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

that of a dinner given by gentlemen of elegant habits and 
sufficient means to a select party of friends. But in the 
latter case the guests are usually those who are accustomed 
to dining out, and acquainted with its observances ; at a 
public dinner-table, the guests are mixed. I do not speak 
of bores, who are noisy, call loudly to the waiters, and 
otherwise make asses of themselves ; nor of people who 
insist upon eating peas with their knife, or suck up their 
soup with the noise of pigs jeatiug from a trough. There 
are very worthy and estimable people who are guilty of 
none of these acts of table ruffianism, who conduct them- 
selves quietly and decorously, and yet who are not well 
acquainted with the etiquette of the public dinner. They 
do not know when to rise, or when to sit down again ; when 
to applaud or when to refrain from applauding, and fre- 
quently mar the pleasure of the occasion from the best in- 
tention in the world. They can be as easily taught in one 
lesson as in twenty. 

Apropos to that, let me give a pleasant bit of experience 
of my own. 

Some years since I was called on to preside over a dinner 
given upon a birth-day anniversary. The dinner was 
political, and the diners were mostly very honest, but not 
altogether polished working-men. Among the invited guests 
were the vice-president elect of the United States, after- 
ward envoy to England, a gentleman distinguished for his 
elegant manners ; several officers of the navy and army, a 
judge or two, and the recorder of a neighboring city. 
When I sent out the committee to conduct the guests to 
the room, I said a few words to those already at the table. 
I told them that one or two of them might not be well 
acquainted with certain forms, and in order that we might 
preserve proper decorum they were to rise when I raised 
my hand gently, sit when I depressed it, and watch my 
signal for applause. The next minute the committee 
announced at the door — " The vice-president elect of the 
United States, and suite.' 7 I rose, and every man at table 
rose at the same instant, and remained standing until the 
guests were seated. Then as I sunk into my seat the 
whole body of diners sank into theirs with the uniformity 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 11 

of a corp of soldiers. And so throughout. The most 
amusing thing to me was the precision of drinking the 
toasts. Every glass was raised to the mouth simultaneously 
with mine, and as I was at the head of the table, the effect 
of a long double row of glasses with the bottoms facing 
each other, was slightly ludicrous. But everything went 
off admirably, for every one looked to the chairman as 
bugleman. When the time came for our guests to leave, 
every man rose with me to his feet, all facing the line down 
which the guests passed* Afterward the vice-president 
said to me : " Your members must have been at a great- 
many suppers in their time. I have witnessed a good many 
things of the kind, but I never saw one where the decorum 
was so perfect, and where everything went off so smoothly 
and naturally. I bowed, and kept my own counsel. It is 
twenty-seven years since then, but I have only to shut my 
eyes, and I can see as plainly as I did then, two rows of 
men, standing with only a table between them, and each 
apparently taking aim at the man opposite through the 
bottom of a wine-glass. 

At all these public dinners, whether of a society, or for 
political purposes, set speakers of some note are provided, 
who respond to the most important toasts of the day, and 
it is only when these have concluded, and the wine has 
made a good many circuits around the table, that the guests 
clamor for talk from less conspicuous personages, and in- 
sist on every one who is of any prominence, or even has 
the reputation of being " a good fellow," adding his mite to 
the treasury of table eloquence. Men at this state of 
affairs are not apt to be critical ; but they will not submit 
to long speeches. A response to a call, whether in the 
.shape of a personal toast, or from being named generally, 
should be prompt, short and to the point. 

Though you be called out by a personal toast, do not 
talk about yourself, or drag your business before the com- 
pany, as many do. We were present once at the dinner of 
a horticultural society, where, for some reason, or through 
want of reason, an undertaker and sexton was called on to 
speak j we remember what he said, almost word for word, 
and it was as follows : 



12 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

" I don't know why, Mr. President, I am called on to talk. I am 
an undertaker, but I never undertook to make a speech, unless I was 
overtaken by liquor, and I assure you I am quite sober. On such an 
occasion all the talking ought to be lively, and from lively people. I 
am not lively, and never have a lively time of it, except when other 
people go out. I never go out, except professionally. I take no 
pleasure, though as I had a negro funeral last week, I may say that I 
went a black burying for half a day. I can not make a speech as you 
see, but I am much obliged to you for drinking my health — (please don't 
drink the good health of too many people or you might ruin me) — and 
I will be happy to serve any of you in the way of my profession — 
(Cries of "Oh! no!" "Not for me; thank you!" etc.) I don't 
mean in any way but to give you pleasure— say for instance, if any one 
of you has the great misfortune to lose his mother-in-law." 

Now this was all funny in its" way, but it was in very 
bad taste. A short speech at the same dinner — made in 
despair by a very bashful fellow, was accidentally better. 
He rose, and after a little hesitancy said: 

" I am very much obliged to you, gentlemen, for drinking my good 
health ; but 1 neither intend to return the compliment in kind, for in 
drinking the health of every man here, I should lose my own ; nor to try 
to make a speech, for in that case, I should lose my reputation as a man 
of judgment." 

Down he sat, and that was the end of it. He said noth- 
ing very brilliant, but he at least did no discredit to him- 
self. 

There are those who have a great aptitude for saying 
either humorous or brilliant things in an easy, natural and 
off-hand way, and in consequence are much sought after 
for public dinners. A word here in the ear of the reader, 
in strict confidence — most of the apropos affairs, especially 
the happy extemporaneous hits, have been carefully studied 
before hand. No matter for that, so they are dexterously 
fitted to the place and to the occasion. But if a man 
cultivate an easy and natural way of talking — if' he practice 
saying things without attempt to astonish or impress, he 
will be apt in the end to astonish himself and impress an 
audience. The good company, the genial feeling, and the 
flow of spirits of all around him — to say nothing of the flow 
of wine — will bring out all the dormant powers. The first 
effort is to forget that he is making a speech at all. We 
insist on this, "at the risk of offending by repetition, since it 
is the key to good speaking on any occasion 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 13 

The breakfast speech, little known on this side of the 
Atlantic, differs essentially from the dinner and supper 
speech. It is a cold-blooded affair. The dinner speech 
springs from the companionship, the wine and the geniality 
of the occasion — the breakfast speech comes from the oc- 
casion itself. The dinner speech may arise unexpectedly j 
the breakfast speech is made with malice aforethought. 
Breakfasts at which there are a number of guests outside 
of the family are mostly given in this country on the occa- 
sion of weddings. A merry couple having been properly 
tied together, and legally authorized to pull different ways 
in harness for the rest of their joint lives, prepare to travel 
away for a time, in order to let everybody in the rail-way 
cars, and at strange hotels, know that they are bride and 
groom. Before they go they feed generally in company 
with their friends — that is, the bridegroom feeds, it being 
strict etiquette for the bride to take only the rations of a 
hen-sparrow. She may pick a grain of rice, like Amina, 
or even eat a pea, like Beau Brummel, but no more, since 
her modesty and blushes are supposed to stand instead of 
beefsteaks and potatoes. Speeches arc in order, of course. 
Every one feels the whole affair is silly, and that he cuts a 
ridiculous figure. Hence he finds refuge from his own 
annoyance in gabbling himself, or causing others to gabble. 
The bridegroom is toasted, and he replies — generally with 
something about "the happiest day of my life" — " unequal 
to the occasion" — " thanks not to be expressed" — and so 
on. The bride is toasted, and somebody else replies for 
her — generally, the groomsman, or "best man" — as they 
call him of late. The father of the bride is toasted, the 
mother is toasted — everybody is toasted in turn ; and all 
these people by themselves or deputy reply. As there is 
little to talk about there is generally little said, though 
they usually employ a good many words to say it in. 

Any one is liable to be called out on such occasions, and 
everybody usually is. As the breakfast is given just before 
departure, and the railway train stops to wait for no one, 
but vigorously sets off according to the time-table j as the 
trunk, basket, little box, big box, band- box and bundle 
have been already checked by one of the groomsman ; there 



14 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

is none too much time for the speeches. The breakfast 
eloquence has to be fired off like the rifles of sharpshooters, 
rapidly and effectively ; but the bore of the orational rifle 
should be as little as possible. 

Supper-speeches are another variation of table talk ; but 
these and dinner-speeches are essentially the same. There 
are exceptions, however, the two most notable of which are 
the ball-supper speech, and that made to the proprietor of 
the house at a surprise party. The speech at a ball-supper 
should be particularly light, frothy and lively, or not at 
all. People go to a ball, or a party, to enjoy themselves, 
and not to air their learning, their profundity, or their elo- 
quence. A supper-speech there, as elsewhere, should have 
a point, like an epigram, should be brief, like an epigram, 
and when its point is made, it should stop, like an epi- 
gram. I just now remember of a speech of the kind. A 
few years since Julius Schuberth, the well-known music 
publisher, gave an invitation supper and musical party on 
the occasion of the house of which he was head and founder 
having reached its fiftieth anniversary. It was a very 
pleasant evening — several quite eminent artists rendered 
some music charmingly, and the old man himself gave one 
of his own compositions with spirit and taste. The colla- 
tion was excellent too, and evidently every one present was 
pleased. As the wine began to flow, some speeches were 
made in German and English, complimenting the host of 
the evening, and he was called on for a response. Now the 
old gentleman could render his feelings very well in a 
rhythmical way, but was not* equal to the task through 
plain prose ; and he requested, through a common friend, 
that a well known literary gentleman then present, and who 
had taken no apparent interest in the proceedings should 
reply for him. The gentleman, to whom the summons was 
unexpected — he had never seen Schuberth before, though 
he knew his history, rose, and said, as nearly as we recol- 
lect : 

" Mr. Schuberth. distrusts his own power of expression, or possibly 
feels that his emotions will not allow him to use language fitting the 
occasion ; and he has asked me to return thanks for all the kind words 
used in his honor, and for the kind feeling which shows as much even 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKEIi. 15 

in your manner as the words. I shall not attempt to do it. There is 
an eloquence in his eyes that needs no words to interpret it. Besides 
why should you be thanked for what you cannot help ? You are most 
of you either musicians or lovers of music. In honoring one who has 
during his long connection with the, trade done so much to elevate the 
standard of taste, and to reconcile purism with progress, you honor 
the art you love, and so honor yourselves. Mr. Schuberth for hall' a 
century has been at the head of a house, which has given the public 
the best productions of the best masters, and has never through a love 
of gain lent its imprint to what was false to taste or impure in morals. 
Your presence to-night it would have been impossible to refuse. The 
date is an epoch. The occasion is a festivity. It is more. You are 
not here to flatter the successful publisher, or to pay a tribute to the 
man who has possibly amassed a competence. Fifty years since Papa 
Schuberth was married to art, and you are here to celebrate his golden 
wedding." 

The other exceptional table-speech is that of the sur- 
prise party. When you have impertinently taken posses- 
sion of a man's house for the purpose of a frolic, you have 
to temper your act of social ruffianism by a faint effort to 
practice some of the amenities of life. You must at least 
say something to tickle the vanity of the man you have 
injured. Always presuming that your host is a. fool, and, 
being a fool, does not set his dog on to bite you, or does not 
have yourself and your confederates removed by the police, 
it becomes your duty to utter a few pleasant sayings. 
There are some people who, after they have got up a sur- 
prise party, and have turned a man's house upside down, 
have the temerity and bad taste to clap him on the 
back with the brutal exclamation — " High old time, Jonesy, 
my boy ! " or the impertinent inquiry — "How are you 
enjoying yourself, old fellow *?" The artistic and aesthetic 
surprise-party brigand acts bettor. He waits until the 
party is half drunk, and the mortification and impotent rage 
of the master of the house has somewhat deadened, and 
then he calls for attention, and enters, for the benefit of the 
few* who will listen, into a panegyric upon the unwilling 
host. And if he do this with dexterity, if he lay on the 
flattery thickly, and deliver his remarks with unction, and 
a •' bless you, mi-dear-boy ! " air, the victim in spite of his 
better judgment will begin to believe that his visitors loved 
him so well they could not stay away, instead of recogniz- 
ing the fact that they had merely taken his premises instead 



16 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

of a public hall because they could be had without payment. 

The birth-day speech is generally a stereotyped affair, in 
which there can be little varity. By this we mean the 
speech to the person whose birth-day is to be celebrated, 
or his reply. The other speeches fall under the general 
rule of table talk. 

We have said that it is in bad taste in general to allude, 
in dinner-speeches to the business, the profession or the 
peculiarities of those around you. It is also in bad taste, 
and frequently offensive, to play upon the names of parties, 
These rules have, however, their exceptions. Where those 
present are nearly all of one business, allusions if pleasantly 
made are proper enough, and may add much to the satis- 
faction of the guests ; and where all are intimate a gay 
pun on the name of some one present may be pardonable. 
Still such things require caution. We remember a very 
pleasant evening once, where the speeches were generally 
of this exceptional kind. It was an occasion of a farewell 
supper given to the senior member of a firm of leather- 
dealers, previous to his departure for a year's visit to 
Europe, and nearly all present were either in the hide and 
leather trade, or connected therewith in some way. 

The gentleman who on this occasion proposed the com- 
plimentary toast to the host of the evening, after the usual 
compliments and good wishes, wound up by saying : 

" And we have no doubt that our good friend, as he passes through 
the old cities of the world, rubbing here against a noble, and jostling 
ther^e against a peasant, will so conduct himself after his usual well-bred 
and quiet; fashion, that all ranks and classes will admit, that, for the 
purpose of making a really estimable man, there is nothing like leather. 
In fact, leather is a type of your perfect man It is smooth, but not 
too oily ; it is pliable, but does not give way ; it bends when needed, 
but does not crack — it w T ears well — it is in fact, an educated skin, 
altogether different from the original stiff and unpleasant hide." 

In replying the traveler-to-be said: 

" If I deserved one half of the pleasant things said on this occasion, 
I should think more of myself than I do ; and I do think more of my- 
self than I did when I first sat down to supper, because I know my 
friends are sincere in what they say, and I. must be a pretty good sort 
of fellow, or they never would let their partiality get the better of 
their judgment as they have to-night. If I don't thank them and you 
for tb'a friendship and kindly sympathy you show, it is because I have 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. \1 

no words to do it so well as it deserves to be done ; because no words 
can express my feelings, My hope is that when I get back that I will 
meet you each and all, and find the friendship which binds us to-night, 
and has bound us for years, made stronger and warmer by the absence. 
I ought to stop just here! and, so far as I am concerned/ 1 do; but 
the gentleman who has just spoken has made a remark that might be 
almost thought a personal allusion to one of my partners in business — 
a gentleman who though he is the Co. in the firm, and was christened 
Jeremiah, no one wishes at Jericho. He is a little rough at times, but 
not stiff; and if he will only get on his feet and say something, will 
show you that he is by no means an unpleasant Hyde." 

There was a general shout for Hyde, and that gentleman 
rose with great deliberation. « 

" Gentlemen, 7 ' he said, " my partner, before he goes off on his year's 
holiday, is disposed to balance our books, and credits me with a little 
too much. I admit my stiffness, rather than my roughness. The fact 
is I am not so oily as either of these gentlemen. I am a Hyde that has 
never been tanned and curried As to there being nothing like leather, 
there would be nothing of leather, if you didn't have a Hyde to begin 
with." 

There was a deal more said by various parties, but these 
quotations are enough to show that speeches filled with 
personal allusions may be made without offense, though the 
experiment is always hazardous, and generally in bad taste. 

There is generally a certain amount of flippancy in suc- 
cessful dinner speeches, which causes them to appear badly 
in print. They lack in that shape, the spice, dash and 
geniality which surrounded them when delivered. But all 
such speeches are not flippant, and sometimes flippancy is 
out of place. A public dinner or supper is often given in 
aid of some noted charity, or on the anniversary of a society 
founded for a serious purpose. In that case the speeches, 
from that of the President on taking the chair down to that 
upon " woman," should have a certain amount of dignity 
along with the humors, and decorum with the wit. Mr. 
Charles Dickens, who was an exceedingly good dinner 
speaker of the English style, which is less free-and-easy 
than the American, got the just medium in the matter very 
well j and the following address of his when presiding at 
the annual festival of the London Newsvenders and Provi- 
dent Institution, will serve as a fair model to study : 

" When I had the honor of being asked to preside last year, I waa 



18 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

prevented by indisposition, and I besought my friend, Mr. Wilkie 
Collins, to reign in my stead. He very kindly complied, and made an 
excellent speech. Now I tell you the truth, that I read that speech 
with considerably uneasiness, for it inspired me with a strong misgiv- 
ing that I had better have presided last year with neuralgia in my face 
and my subject in my head, rather than preside this year with my 
neuralgia all gone and my subject anticipated. Therefore, I wish to 
preface the toast this evening by making the managers of this Institu- 
tion one very solemn and repentant promise, and it is, if ever I find 
myself obliged to provide a substitute again they may rely upon my 
sending the most speechless man of my acquaintance. 

"The chairman last year presented you with an amiable view of the 
universality of the newsman's calling. Nothing, I think, is left for 
me but to imagine the newsman's burden itself, to unfold one of those 
wonderful sheets which he every day disseminates, and to take a bird's 
eye view of its general character and contents. So, if you please, 
choosing my own time — though the newsman can not choose his time, 
for he must be equally active in winter or summer, in sunshine or sleet, 
ki light or darkness, early or late — but, choosing my own time, I shall 
for two or three moments start off with the newsman on a fine May 
morning, and take a view of the wonderful broadsheets which every 
day he scatters broadcast over the country. Well, the first thing that 
occurs to me following the newsman is, that every day we are born, 
that every day we are married— some of us — and that every day we 
are dead ; consequently, the first thing the newsvender's column in- 
forms me is, that Atkins has been born, that Catkins has been married, 
and that Datkins is dead But the most remarkable thing I immedi- 
ately discover in the next column is, that Atkins has grown to be 
seventeen years old, and that he has run away; for, at last, my eye 
lights on the fact that William A., who is seventeen years old, is 
adjured immediately to return to his disconsolate parents, and every 
thing will be arranged to the satisfaction of every one. * I am afraid he 
will never returit, simply because, if he had meant to come back, he 
would never have gone away. Immediately below, I find a mysteri- 
ous character in such a mysterious difficulty that it is only to be ex- 
pressed by several disjointed letters, by several figures, and several 
stars ; and then I find the explanation in the intimation that the writer 
has given his property over to his uncle, and that the elephant is on 
the wing. Then, still glancing over the shoulder of my industrious 
friend, the newsman, I find there are great fleets of ships bound to all 
parts of the earth, that they all want a little more stowage, a little 
more cargo, that they have a few more berths to let, that they have 
all the most spacious decks, that they are all built of teak, and copper- 
bottomed, that they all carry surgeons of experience, and that they are 
all A 1 at Lloyds, and anywhere else. Still glancing over the shoulder 
of my friend the newsman, I find I am offered all kinds of house-lodg- 
ing, clerks, servants, and situations, which I can possibly or impossibly 
want. I learn, to my intense gratification, that I need never grow 
old, that I may always preserve the juvenile bloom of my complexion; 
that if ever 1 turn ill it is entirely my own fault ; that if I have any 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 19 

complaint, and want brown cod-liver oil or Turkish baths, I am told 
where to get them, and that, if I want an income of seven pounds a 
week, I may have it by sending hatt" a crown in postage-stamps. Then 
I look to the police intelligence, and I can discover that I may bite off 
a human living nose cheaply, but if I take off the dead nose of a pig or 
a calf from a shop-window, it will cost me exceedingly dear. I also 
find if I allow myself to be betrayed into the folly of killing an inoffen- 
sive tradesman on his own door-step, that little incident will not affect 
the testimonials to my character, but that I shall be described as a 
most amiable young man,, and as, above all things, remarkable for the 
singular inoffensiveness of my character and disposition. Then I turn 
my eye to the Fine Arts, and, under that head, I see that a certain 
'J. O.' has most triumphantly exposed a certain 'J. O. B.' which 
'J. O. B.' was remarkable fortius particular ugly feature, that I was 
requested to deprive myself of the best of my pictures for six months ; 
that for that time it was to be hung on a wet wall, and that I was to 
be requited for my courtesy in having my picture most impertinently 
covered with a wet blanket. To sum up the results of a glance over 
my newsman's shoulder, it gives a comprehensive knowledge of what 
is going on over the continent of Europe, and also of what is going on 
over the continent of America, to say nothing of such little geographi- 
cal regions as India and China. 

"Now, my friends, this is the glance over the newsman's shoulders 
from the whimsical point of view, which is the point, I believe, that 
most promotes digestion. The newsman is to be met with on steam- 
boats, railway stations, and at every turn. His profits are small, he 
has a' great amount of anxiety and care, and no little amount of 
personal wear and tear. He is indispensable to civilization and free- 
dom, and he is looked for with pleasurable excitement every day, 
except when he lends the paper for an hour, and when he is punctual 
in calling for it, which is sometimes very painful. I think the lesson 
we can learn from our newsman is some new illustrations of the un- 
certainty of life, some illustration of its vicissitudes and fluctuations. 
Mindful of this permanent lesson, some members of the trade originat- 
ed this society, which affords them assistance in time of sickness and 
indigence. The subscription is infinitesimal. It amounts annually to 
five shillings. Looking at the returns before me, the progress of -the 
society would seem to be slow, but it has only been slow for the best 
of all reasons, that it has been sure. 

" The pensions granted are all obtained from the interest on the 
funded capital, and, therefore, the Institution is literally as safe as the 
Bank. It is stated that there are several newsvenders who are not 
members of this society ; but that is true in all institutions which have 
come under my experience. The persons who are most likely to stand 
in need of the benefits which an institution confers, and usually the 
persons to keep away until bitter experience comes to them too late." 



20 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 



PART III.-OF POLITICAL SPEECHES. 






THERE are about two thousand counties, more or less, in 
the United States. In each of these there are held in 
a year at least ten political meetings on one side, and every 
fourth year twice as many. At these meetings the average 
number of speeches are three to each. The opposite party 
does the same amount of meeting and talking. Here we 
have the alarming spectacle of some one hundred and twenty 
thousand speeches let off annually for three years, and two 
hundred and fifty thousand fired into the air on the fourth 
year j being three-fifths of a million of speeches inflicted 
upon suffering American humanity in the space of forty- 
eight calendar months. I neither complain of this as an 
outrage, nor boast of it as showing both the great talking 
power of one part of my countrymen, and the capacity of 
enduring torture of the rest. I merely state the fact. 

Now there can be no question that while there are a fair 
number of the speeches thus delivered that may be listened 
to with comfort and even with satisfaction, the greater part 
of this political eloquence is of a very low order of merit, 
or devoid of all merit whatever. And this state of affairs 
occurs, not from lack of brains on the part of political 
speakers, as from a lack of kuowledge on the part of- the 
auditors what a political speech should be. Instead of a 
careful discussion of public measures, the public expect to 
hear an attack upon men ; instead of an appeal to their un- 
derstanding, a mere attempt to pander to their prejudices 
or amuse them for the moment. What they are supposed 
to want they get. If they considered that politics is merely, 
in its legitimate sense, a dispute about the proper mode of 
managing public affairs, and conducting public business, 
they would demand the views of their orators on topics of 
public interest connected with the management of public 
affairs. In truth, the greater part of people prefer good 
sense in a public speech to nonsense, and the speaker who 
will confine himself to his topic, enlivening it in a legitimate 
way, will secure more general approval than he who in- 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 21 

dulges in lofty flights, or who stoops to buffoonery in order 
to gain laughter and applause. 

If you are called on to address a political meeting, or 
have a desire to mingle in that way in political affairs, the 
first point is to have something to say. And to have some- 
thing to say it is necessary that you should be master of 
the subject. The preparation for speaking should be 
thorough — not in words, but in facts and ideas. As a good 
political speech is always short, you should confine your- 
self to one, or at most two branches of your subject. That 
is, you should speak on but one or two topics j but, as you 
cannot tell what those who speak before you will touch 
upon, you must be prepared on all. 

If you are a novice, so soon as you have made yourself 
master of everything connected with the political campaign, 
after you have filled your mind full of the shameful omis- 
sions and criminal commissions of the opposite side, and 
mastered the policy which is proposed or sustained by your 
own party, it will be a good plan to write out a short 
speech upon any particular branch of the subject. Write 
this with great care, and condense it by striking out every 
adjective where it is possible and every phrase where the 
same idea or fact is repeated a second time. When you 
have got it to suit you, read it over and over until it is 
tolerably well fixed in your mind — not committed to 
memory — and then burn it as soon as possible. Having 
done that, read over any selection of speeches, including 
those given in this little hand-book — observe their style and 
the manner in which the speakers have handled the subject, 
throw them aside, and begin to write another speech, which, 
after completing and fixing in your mind, you will destroy 
like its predecessor. Then refresh your memory by reading 
up all the facts previously obtained. Understand that 
the best preparation for the discussion of any subject, politi- 
cal or otherwise, is to understand it thoroughly in all its 
shapes j and a continual written discussion of its salient 
points will confirm and fix the knowledge acquired by read- 
ing, or by listening to the remarks of well-informed persons. 

Nor, to make an effective political speaker, is it alone 
necessary that you should be well acquainted with the 



22 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

differences between political parties. You should have a 
thorough knowledge of the political history of the country, 
the origin of parties, the different plans of finance, the 
opposing schemes of government, and a fair acquaintance 
with the administration of public affairs in other countries. 

Having made yourself master of your subject, and fixed 
the knowledge more firmiy in your mind by writing upon 
it, the next thing is to accustom yourself to an audience. 
To do this with the least embarrassment to yourself, and 
with the best chances for success, make your debut in some 
strange place. This is for two reasons — one, because there 
will be no familiar faces to divert your mind from its proper 
current of thought; and the other since, if you fail it is less 
mortifying to do so before strangers, while if you succeed 
your gratification will be as great there as anywhere. As 
" a prophet is not without honor, save in his own country," 
you will meet with more consideration abroad. You go 
there to teach, and they expect you to teach, and are pre- 
pared to hear favorably what you have to say. But in your 
own place the people know you, and not knowing you as a 
speaker, look with half amusement and half disgust at your 
attempt to talk to them ; and the words — "Is Saul among 
the prophets ? " stand out all over them in the most annoy- 
ing way. 

When you rise to address the people do it In the simplest 
and most unpretending way. If you can stand on the same 
level with your audience, they being seated, do so, or as 
little above them as possible. Nothing is more difficult 
than speaking from a bight. You have in that case to 
force your voice downward, when the sound naturally 
ascends. Begin slowly, and in a rather low tone of voice, 
about your usual pitch in talking out of doors. Speak 
distinctly, and utter every syllable and sound clearly, and 
you will be heard where a hasty speaker twice as loud in 
voice would neither be heard nor understood. Speak in 

NOTE. — Those desirous of detailed instructions In writing speeches, will find a 
chapter specially devoted to that subieetin the 'Guide to Authorship,'' which will 
afford great aid. Besides this chapter there are others which, though intetfded for 
writers rather than speakers, will yet be found very useful to the latter. An outlay 
of fifty cents for the "Guide " will, we think, prove a good investment on the part 
of all interested. 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 23 

that earnest and natural tone which denotes you mean what 
you say. 

As to the subject best suited to impress your audience, 
that depends upon circumstances. Sometimes a particular 
part of party policy becomes the object of attack, or the 
subject of defense, and it may be policy to talk of that and 
nothing else. As a general rule however, a political 
speaker should never defend, but always attack. The one 
who attacks, assails ; the one who defends assumes the 
criminal's place. Take it for granted that you are right — 
you are there to show up the short-comings of your 
opponent. 

Of course it depends a deal on which party you belong 
to. If you belong to the party in power, you see the action 
of the administration through rose-colored spectacles. 
Everything is lovely, and as it ought to be. If you are of 
the opposition, then you look at affairs through yellow 
glasses. Everything is doleful, and as it ought not to be. 
If the first, you point with pride to the fact that a large 
portion of the national debt has been paid off already, that 
we occupy a high position in the eyes of the world, and that 
we are fast coming back to our old prosperity. Accuse the 
opposition of endeavoring to cut down the duties on 
imports, and so bring the pauper labor of Europe in com- 
petition with that of our industrious mechanics; denounce 
them as sympathisers with rebellion; accuse them of 
attempting to revive dead issues, and to unsettle questions 
that had been disposed of by war, and the logic of accepted 
facts. If a democrat you show that the administration is 
unnecessarily and enormously expensive ; that extravagance 
and corruption mark every step of the government; that 
the men in power keep the war in the South alive long after 
peace has been declared ; accuse them of revenue schemes 
to make the rich richer and the poor, poorer; and hold 
them as the party in power responsible for all the wrong of 
legislation, and all the fraud in the executive offices. 

But, if you are a novice, you will not cover so much 
ground, and you will do what little you do, in a more 
artistic way. Take up any one of the subjects named, but 
pr. pare for it first by some reference to the aim and object 



24 TEE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

of government — the reasons why men enter into communi- 
ties, and submit to rules j the principles that should govern 
the action of departments of the public service. Then 
show where and how the particular action of the opposite 
side which you select for attack, violates these principles, 
and conflicts with those aims and objects ; and ask your 
auditors to stamp their disapproval on the action of the 
other party by the only practical way they can do it, 
namely, by voting for your side j for your principles and 
for the men who are pledged to maintain them. 

But above all, be brief, a political speech over twenty 
minutes long is a nuisance, which should subject its 
perpetrator to the horse-pond. There is an exception to 
this. If you are the only speaker, and it is a country 
place where the audience has come from great distances, 
and has nothing to occupy it, and looks to be made up of 
patient people — then you may make a long speech, about 
a half hour. And don't warn people that you are about to 
close, so that some one may cry "go on," by way of com- 
pliment, though hoping you won't. Don't tell any one you 
are about to close, but close when you have done, without 
warning, or without that lingering and hesitation which a 
man feels who is about to be hanged. The essence of suc- 
cessful eloquence is made up of three things, — to have some- 
thing to say ; to say that something well ; and to stop when 
you have said it. 

In political speaking, as in nearly all speaking, a collo- 
quial manner is best. The tone of voice should be that of 
ordinary earnest conversation. But with the occasion, the 
speaker will depart from this for a time. As he becomes 
excited he may even declaim ; but he should be careful to 
avoid rant. The human vocal organs form an instrument 
upon which a man must play, and he will play better by 
practice ; but he must endeavor to keep full control of the 
instrument. But of that we will have more to say in another 
place. 

It is not alone in the ward meeting, or the district public 
assembly that political speeches are delivered. In caucuses 
or conventions, which are the legislatures of the political 
parties, a number of subjects come up for discussion ; party 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 25 

action is shaped j and principles of action, as well as action 
itself, are determined. The speaking here is of a different 
character, and is much easier than the set speech. In a 
debate opposite views are brought out, and the excitement 
of opposition develops ideas, and aids expression. A man 
may labor in a set speech, and labor to little purpose, who 
will figure quite effectively in debate. Even the set speech 
which often is given in a party convention, partakes of the 
argumentative rather than the declamatroy character. In 
some parts of the country political meetings are got up for 
debate. Both sides are represented on the stump, and the 
result is that the auditors learn something. Where a meet- 
ing is entirely in the interest of one party, speakers are apt 
to be loose in their statements, and to deal extravagantly 
with facts. But where a speaker knows he is to be followed 
by some one who will attempt to refute his positions, he is 
careful in his -statements, and makes his side as strong as 
possible by stating no more than he can maintain. 

Never underrate the capacity of your audience. There 
are no better judges of speaking than your unlettered men; 
because they hear so much of it, and often by men of mark, 
and because your unlettered man may have as much brains 
as the learned, though under less culture. And though the 
speaker who indulges in buffoonery, or who uses fine 
rhetorical figures, is often applauded to the echo, you will 
find that the man who takes a plain, common sense view of 
his subject, who states his case plainly and precisely, who 
wastes no words, and who brings to his task knowledge, 
earnestness aud simplicity of diction, will be listened to 
with intense attention, and will command the respect which 
the more flashy and humorous orator will fail to win. 

We do not wish to denounce either humor, or the proper 
use of fine figures of speech. But both these are mere 
accessories. They should not make the staple of the ora- 
tion. And humor is a very dangerous edged tool, that is 
apt to cut the hands of the unskillful workman. It is quite 
rare that it can be carried to any great extent, with any 
profit. We know of few instances to the contrary, but 
those are quite remarkable ; and these were in legislative 
assemblages, and will be noticed elsewhere. A quite sue- 



26 THE IMPBOMPTU SPEAKEB. 

cessfal instance is in the following, which is part of a speech 
delivered before a Democratic convention by Thomas Dunn 
English, in July, I860, as we fiucl it reported in a Trenton 
journal of that time : 

" After the very spirit-stirring appeal made by the gentleman who has 
preceded me (Mr. Maar), I fear that what I may say will only tend to 
pale the enthusiasm which he has generated — an enthusiasm which 
reminds me of the fiery days of the party, even as I am old enough to 
remember it. And I am placed in a more unfortunate position than 
that gentleman, because I have not even a refuge in that embarrass- 
ment of which he speaks — (Laughter.) I have very little, if any, 
modesty to fall back upon. In my early days — my time of juvenile 
innocence — 1 possessed modesty to an alarming extent, no doubt ; but 
as I rose to manhood it wore away ; — time rubbed the down off the 
peach, and left me perfectly able to take care of myself on all occasions. 
I am not at all embarrassed at appearing before a mass of Democrats 
anywhere, and feel perfectly willing, on all proper occasions, to avow 
ray views and sentiments. Nor am I discouraged by the circumstances 
amid which we stand to-day. I am not alarmed for the future of 
the Democratic party, because some who were so long with us— meu 
who have led us in many a fight — have gone after strange gods, and 
deserted, in their man worsship, the trusts they held. The leaders of 
the Democratic party are not its masters, but its executive officers. 
(Cheers.) If they fail or falter, we depose them, and choose their 
successors from the ranks. (Cheers ) • The path of progress of the 
Democratic party is strewn with the carcasses of leaders — of men 
whose names were our watchwords, but who placed themselves in the 
road of its march to stay or swerve it, and so they perished. The 
policy of the party is based upon the necessities of. the country. It 
applies eternal and unchanging principles to those necessities ; and so 
its policy grows, shifts or "changes, with the progress of the Nation, 
but the principles never change. 

" If they be lost sight of for a brief time, as in the case of the resolu- 
tions of 1793, they are sure to reassert themselves and regain their old 
force. Our policy is based uponjhe true principles, and preserves the 
Union by adhering to the letter of the Constitution and preserving the 
equality of the states. We guarantee and defend the rights of each 
part and portion of the confederacy. To-day one section is assailed 
and we sustain it, not to please that section, but because our course 
is right. We cannot afford — least of all the citizens of New Jersey — 
to see the rights of any member of our confederacy invaded. Here 
we are, citizens of this plucky little state, placed between the two 
leading states for population, power and wealth, in all the Union. 
We have no armed forces, no natural defense, no mountain fastnesses, 
and we are but few in number. Yet who doubts if we were assailed, 
that the manly hearts of our people would impel their strong arms to 
fight in defence of their reserved rights— to fight to the last man and 
the last drop of blood. Do we think that there is any state in the 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 27 

South who would do less ! If so we should put it out of the Union 
speedily as too degraded to be our peer. And it is to mete to other 
states what we demand— to maintain their perfect equality with us — 
that we are prepared and willing to contend for their rights. It is our 
own battles we fight. We do right not to please a section, but because 
it is right of itself. (Cheers.) And if leaders, to pander to the 
morbid sentiment of fanaticism, violate the policy which has brought 
them into power and position, they will live to see their names, like 
those of others that once occupied a high place in the temple of the 
party, effaced so fully that they never may be restored. They will not 
find themselves necessary to our existence or our prosperity. We can 
replace them at our will. — The exigency of the moment will bring us 
leaders for a struggle, as it has brought them before. We have in our 
ranks, no doubt, though you and I may not see them at this moment, 
many men who are fit to take command. We are too apt to under- 
value the great men of our own time by contrasting them unfavorably 
with their predecessors — men who are scorned by their cotemporaries 
in the same way. The dwarfs of the present may become the giants of 
the future. (Cheers.) I do not much indulge in comparison, but I 
remember a fact, trifling in itself, which I once mentioned in a dinner- 
speech and which comes to my mind aptly. I was traveling, a few 
years since, on horseback, toward the close of a summer's day, in the 
Western part of a neighboring state. My path — it could scarcely be 
called a road — lay over a succession of mountain ridges. All day long 
I had witnessed the same scenery — the rough masses of rock, the grey 
earth, the dense undergrowth, and the tall trees, branchless from root 
to summit fork — all similar and all monotonous. I thought the scenery 
commonplace. I was wearied with the recurrence of tree and rock 
and shrub, as well as jaded with travel. When I reached the valley I 
turned accidentally, and glanced upward. There before me, towering 
in lofty majesty, was the mountain down whose sides I had ridden — the 
hues of loaf and soil and rock blending into each other, the rugged out- 
lines softened down by the atmosphere and smoothed by the distance, 
and the summit crowned by the rays of the setting sun. Time is the 
distance which will smooth the ruggedness of the great men around us, 
wrap the body of their fame in aerial garments, and crown their brow 
with the sunset rays of a golden immortality. (Enthusiastic cheering.)" 

In the light of later events parts of the speech seem like 
an echo from the grave; but still one can see in the general 
style, and in the metaphor at the close of the part we have 
extracted, how and why the audience were moved. 



28 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 



PART IT.-OF LEGISLATIVE SPEAKING. 



IX public legislative bodies, whether the town council, 
the state assembly or Congress, all debate is conducted 
by certain set rules, in order to preserve decorum, and 
facilitate the despatch of business. These rules, which are 
to be found in certain published u manuals,' 7 should be 
thoroughly learned by every member; as without that 
knowledge he will find his influence reduced to the smallest 
amount and his eloquence clogged by frequent unpleasant 
interruptions. In all such bodies time is of value, and every 
one who participates in discussion has no right to waste the 
time of others, however liberal he may be with his own. 

In a debate, though no one should rise too often on the 
same subject, the main speech he may make will often be 
supplemented by others; and the interpolations of his 
antagonist will soon cause his oration to take the shape of 
a polylogue. But the rules governing the main speech are 
the same as in the dinner, or stump oration. It is to be 
constructed on the same principles. 

In the first place the subject itself should be previously 
mastered in all its bearings, if the speaker be not well 
acquainted with it already. In the second pl&ce. he should 
state his views briefly and without attempts at ornament. 
Unless lie means to speak but once, he should reserve 
sarcasm, humor and the use of striking figures of rhetoric 
for a later period, when he desires to refute some points of 
his opponents, or overwhelm them with ridicule. 

The novice in speaking — and it is for such we write — 
will not gum much by a close perusal of the debates in 
Congress or the state legislatures. Indeed, if he survived 
the amount of dullness thus taken into the brain, he would 
find his own intellect permanently weakened by the dull stuff 
it had imbibed. Some men improve in speaking by practice. 
There are those, however, who grow worse every day ; and 
being dull at the beginning end in becoming stupid. A 
careful study of the styles of 'orators of reputation will be 
of more service, and be far less tiresome. 



THE IMPHOMPTU SPEAKER. 29 

And in connection with this, a portion of a debate in the 
convention of Virginia, on the adoption of the Federal con- 
stitution, will give the reader a fair idea of the manner, and 
when we consider that the two engaged in it were Patrick 
Henry and Edmund Randolph, also of the matter of a first 
class debate. Patrick Henry, it will be remembered, was 
opposed to the ratification on the part of Virginia, of the 
constitution of the United States, and Edmund Randolph 
took the opposite ground. The extracts we make, though 
too short to do justice to the arguments, are sufficient to 
show the style of the parties, and should be carefully 
studied : 

In his first speech on the question, among other things, 
Mr. Henry said : 

" This constitution is said to have beautiful features; but when I 
come to examine these features, sir, they appear to me horribly fright- 
ful. Among other deformities, it has an awful squinting ; it squints 
toward monarchy : and does not this raise indignation in the breast of 
every true American ? Your President may easily become Mug. 
Your Senate is so imperfectly constructed, that your dearest rights 
may be sacrificed by what may be a small minority ; and a very small 
minority may continue forever unchangeably this government, although 
horridly defective. Where are your checks in this government ? 
Your strongholds will be in the hands of your enemies. It is on a 
supposition that your American governors shall be honest, that all the 
good qualities of this government are founded ; but its defective and 
imperfect construction puts it in their power to perpetrate the worst 
of mischiefs, should they be bad men. And, sir, would not all the 
world, from the eastern to the western hemisphere, blame our dis- 
tracted folly in resting our rights upon the contingency of our rulers 
being good or bad ? Show me that age and country where the rights 
and liberties of the people were placed on the sole chance of their 
rulers being good men, without a consequent loss of liberty. I say 
ibat the loss of that dearest privilege has ever followed, with absolute 
certainty, every such mad attempt. If your American chief be a man 
of ambition and abilities, how easy will it be for him to render him- 
self absolute! The army is in his hands, and, if he be a man of ad- 
dress, it will be attached to him: and it will be the subject of long 
meditation with him to seize the first auspicious moment to accomplish 
his design. And, sir, will the American spirit solely relieve you when 
this happens ? I would rather infinitely — and I am sure most of 
convention are of the same opinion, have a king, lords, and com. 
then a government so replete with such insupportable evils. If we 
make a king, we may prescribe the rules by which he shall rule his 
people, and interpose such checks as shall prevent him from infringing 
them ; but the President in the field, at the head of his army, an pre 



SO THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

scribe the terms on which he shall reign master, so far that it will 
puzzle any American ever to get his neck from under the galling yoke. 
I cannot, with patience, think of this idea. If ever he violates the 
laws, one of two things will happen ; he will come at the head of h?s 
army to carry everything before him; or, he will give bail, or do what 
Mr. Chief Justice will order him. If he be guilty, will not the recol- 
lection of his crimes teach him to make one bold push for the American 
throne ? Will not the immense difference between being master of 
everything, and being ignominiously tried and punished, powerfully 
excite him to make this bold push ? But, sir, where is the existing 
force to punish him ? Can he not, at the head of his army beat down 
every opposition ? Away with your President ; we shall have a king ; 
the army will salute him monarch ; your militia will leave you, and 
assist in making him king, and fight against you, and what have you to 
oppose this force 1 What will then become of you and your rights ? 
Will not absolute despotism ensue ? 

*### * #** 

" I trust, sir, the exclusion of the evils wherewith this system is 
replete, in its present form, will be made a condition precedent to its 
adoption, by this or any other state The transition from a general, 
unqualified admission to offices, to a consolidation of government, seems 
easy ; for, though the American states are dissimilar in their structure, 
this will assimilate them ; this, sir, is itself a strong consolidating 
feature, and is not one of the least dangerous in that system. Nine 
states are insufficient to establish this government over those nine. 
Imagine that nine have come into it. Virginia has certain scruples. 
Suppose she will consequently refuse to join with those states ; may 
not they still continue in friendship and union with her ? If she sends 
her annual requisitions in dollars, do you think their stomachs will be 
so squeamish as to refuse her dollars? Will they not accept her 
regiments ? T-hey would intimidate you into an inconsiderate adoption, 
and frighten you with ideal evils, and that the Union shall be dissolved. 
'Tis a bug -bear, sir : the fact is, sir, that the eight adopting states can 
hardly stand on their own legs. Public fame tells us, that the adopt- 
ing states have already heart -burnings and animosity, and repent their 
precipitate hurry ; this, sir, may occasion exceeding great mischief. 
When I reflect on these and many other circumstances, I must think 
those states will be found to be in confederacy with us. 

"If we pay our quota of money annually, and furnish our ratable 
number of men, when necessary, I can see no danger from a rejection. 
The history of Switzerland clearly proves, that we might be in amica- 
ble alliance with those states, without adopting this Constitution. 
Switzerland is a confederacy, consisting of dissimilar governments. 
This is an example, which proves that governments, of dissimilar 
structures, may be confederated. That confederate republic has stood 
upward of four hundred years ; and, although several of the individual 
republics are democratic, and the rest aristocratic, no evil has resulted 
from this dissimilarity, for they have braved all the power of France 
and Germany, during that long period. The Swiss spirit, sir, has kept 
them together; they have encountered and overcome immense difrl- 



THE IMPKOMPTU SPEAKER. 31 

culties, with patience and fortitude. In the vicinity of powerful and 
ambitious inonarchs, they have retained their independence, republican 
simplicity and valor. Look at the peasants of that country, and of 
France, and mark the difference. You will find the condition of the 
former far more desirable and comfortable. JSTo matter whether a 
p'eople be great, splendid, and powerful, if they enjoy freedom. The 
Turkish Grand Seignior, alongside of our President, would put us to 
disgrace, but we should be abundantly consoled for this disgrace, 
should our citizen be put in contrast with the Turkish slave." 

Mr. Randolph replied to this on the following day. From 
his speech we take the following passages : 

" Instead of entering largely into a discussion of the nature an** 
effect of the different kinds of government, or into an inquiry into the 
particular extent of country, that may suit the genius of this or that 
government, I ask this question — Is this government necessary for the 
safety of Virginia ? Is f he union indispensable for our happiness ? I 
confess it is imprudent for any nation to form alliance with another, 
whose situation and construction of government are dissimilar with its 
own. It is impolitic and improper for men of opulence to join their 
interest with men of indigence and chance. But we are now inquir- 
ing, particularly, whether Virginia, as contradistinguished from the 
other states, can exist without the Union — a hard question, perhaps, 
after what has been said. I will venture, however, to say, she cannot. 
I shall not rest contented with asserting — I shall endeavor to prove. 
Look at the most powerful nations on earth. England and France 
have had recourse to this expedient. Those countries found it neces- 
sary to unite with their immediate neighbors, and this union has pre- 
vented the most lamentable mischiefs. 

" What divine preeminence is Virginia possessed of, above other 
states ? Can Virginia send her navy and thunder, to bid defiance to 
foreign nations ? And can she exist without a union with her neigh- 
bors, when the most potent nations have found such a union necessary, 
not only to their political felicity, but their national existence ? Let 
us examine her ability. Although it be impossible to determine, with 
accuracy, what degree of internal strength a nation ought to possess, 
to enable it to stand by itself; yet there are certain sure facts and cir- 
cumstances, which demonstrate, that a particular nation cannot stand 
singly. I have spoken with freedom, and I trust I have done it with 
decency; but I must also speak with truth. If Virginia can exist 
without the union, she must derive that ability from one or other of 
these sources, viz : from her natural situation, or because she has no 
reason to fear from other nations. What is her situation ? She is not 
inaccessible. She is not a petty republic, like that of St. Marino, sur- 
rounded with rocks and mountains, with a soil not very fertile, nor 
worthy the envy of surrounding nations. Were this, sir, her situation, 
she might, like that petty state, subsist separated from all the world. 
On the contrary she is very accessible ; the large, capacious bay of Che- 
sc^eake, which is but too excellently adapted for the admission of 
enemies, renders her very vulnerable. I am informed, and I believe 



32 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

rightly, because I derive my information from those whose knowledge is 
most respectable, that Virginia is in a very unhappy position, with re- 
pect to the access of foes by sea, though happily situated for commerce. 
This being her situation by sea, let us look at land. She has frontiers 
adjoining the states of Pennsylvania, Maryland and North Carolina. 
Two of these states have declared themselves members of the Union. 
Will she be inaccessible to the inhabitants of those states ? Cast 
your eyes to the western country, that is inhabited by cruel savages, 
your natural enemies. Besides their natural propensity to barbarity, 
they may be excited, by the gold of foreign enemies, to commit the 
most horrid ravages on your people. Our great, increasing population 
is one remedy to this evil ; but, being scattered thinly over so extensive 
a country, how difficult is it to collect their strength, or defend the 
country. 

" If then, sir, Virginia, from her situation, is not inaccessible, or in- 
vulnerable, let us consider if she be protected, by having no cause to 
fear from other nations : has she no cause to fear ? You will have 
cause to fear as a nation, if disunited; you will not only have this 
cause to fear from yourselves, from that species of population I before 
mentioned, and your once sister states, but from the arms of other 
nations. Have you no cause of fear from Spain, whose dominions 
border on your country ? Every nation, every people, in our circum- 
stances, have always had abundant cause to fear. Let us see the 
danger to be apprehended from France ; let us suppose Virginia 
separated from the other states : as part of the former confederated 
states, she will owe France a very considerable sum — France will be 
as magnanimous as ever. France, by the law of nations, will have a 
right to demand the whole of her, or of the others. If France were 
to demand it, what would become of the property of America ? Could 
she not destroy what little commerce we have ? Could she not seize 
our ships, and carry havoc and destruction before her on our shores ? 
The most lamentable desolation would take place. We owe a debt to 
Spain also ; do we expect indulgence from that quarter ? That nation 
has a right to demand the debt due to it. and power to enforce that 
right. Will the Dutch be silent about the debt due to them ? Is there 
any one pretension, that any of these nations will be patient ? The 
debts due the British also very considerable : these debts have been 
withheld contrary to treaty ; if Great Britain will demand the pay- 
ment of these debts, peremptorily, what will be the consequence? 
Can we pay them if demanded ? Will no danger result from a refusal ? 
Will the British nation suffer their subjects to be stripped of their 
property? Is not that nation amply able to do its subjects justice? 
Will the resentment of that powerful and supercilious nation sleep for- 
ever ? If we become one, sole nation, uniting with our sister states, 
our means of defence will be greater ; the indulgence for the payment 
of those debts wiil be greater, and the danger of an attack less pro- 
bable. Moreover, vast quantities of lauds have been sold, by citizens 
of this country, to Europeans, and these lands cannot be found. Will 
this fraud be countenanced or endured ? Among so many causes of 
danger, shall we be secure, separated *from our sister states ? Weak- 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 33 

ness itself, sir, will invite some attack upon your country. Contem- 
plate our situation deliberately, and consult history : it will inform 
you, that people in our circumstances have ever been attacked, and 
successfully : open any page, and you will there find our danger truly 
depicted. If such a people had any thing, was it not taken ? The 
fate which will befall us. I fear, sir, will be, that we- shall be made a 
partition of. How will these our troubles be removed ? Can we have 
any dependence on commerce? Can we make any computation on 
this subject? Where will our flag appear? So high is the spirit 
of commercial nations, that they will spend five times the value of the 
object, to exclude their rivals from a participation in commercial 
profits; they seldom regard. any expenses. If we should be divided 
from the rest of the states, upon what footing would our navigation in 
the Mississippi be ? What would be the probable conduct of France 
and Spain ? 

" I will close this catalogue of the evils of the dissolution of the 
Union, by recalling to your mind what passed in the year 1781. Such 
was the situation of our affairs then, that the powers of a dictator 
were given to the commander-in-chief to save us from destruction. 
This shows the situation of the country to have been such as made it 
ready to embrace an actual dictator. At some future period, will not 
our distresses impel us to do what the Dutch have done — throw all 
power into the hands of a stadtholder ? How intinitely more wise and 
eligible, than this desperate alternative, is a union with our American 
brethren ! I feel myself so abhorrent to any thing that will dissolve 
our Union, that I cannot prevail with myself to assent -to it directly or 
indirectly. If the union is to be dissolved, what step is to be taken ? 
Shall we form a partial confederacy ; or is it expected that we shall 
successfully apply to foreign alliance for military aid? This last 
measure, sir, has ruined almost every nation that has used it ; so 
dreadful an example ought to be most cautiously avoided ; for seldom 
has a nation recurred to the expedient of foreign succor without being 
ultimately crushed by that succor. We may lose our liberty and inde- 
pendence by this injudicious scheme of policy. Admitting it to be a 
scheme replete with safety, what nation shall we solicit — France ? 
She will disdain a conned ion with a people in our predicament. I 
would trust every thing to the magnanimity of that nation ; but she 
would despise a people who had, like us, so imprudently separated 
from their brethren ; and, sir, were she to accede to our proposal, 
with what facility could she become mistress of our country ! To 
what nation then shall we apply — to Great Britain ? Nobody has as 
yet trusted that idea. An application to any other must be either 
fruitless or dangerous ; to those who advocate local confederacies, and 
at the same time preach up for republican liberty, I answer, that their 
conduct is inconsistent ; the defense of such partial confederacies will 
require such a degree of force and expense as will destroy every 
feature of republicanism. Give me leave to say, that I see naught but 
destruction in a local confederacy. With what state can we eon- 
federate but North Carolina — North Carolina, situated worse than 
ourselves ? Consult your own reason ? I beseech gentlemen most 



34 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

seriously to reflect on the consequences of such a confederacy; I be- 
seech them to consider whether Virginia and North Carolina, both 
oppressed with debts and slaves, can defend themselves externally', or 
make their people happy internally. North Carolina having no strength 
but militia, and Virginia in the same situation, will make, I fear, but 
a despicable figure in history. Thus, sir, I hope that I have satisfied 
you that we are unsafe without a union, and that in union alone eafety 
consists. s^ 

" But the amendability of the confederation seems to have great 
weight on the minds of some gentlemen. To what point will the 
amendments go ? What part makes the most important figure ? 
What part deserves to be retained ? In it, one body has the legis- 
lative, executive, and judicial powers ; but the want of efficient powers 
has prevented the dangers naturally consequent on the union of these. 
Is this union consistent with an augmentation of their power ? Will 
jou then amend it, by taking away one of these three powers? Sup- 
pose, for instance, you only vested it with the legislative and executive 
powers, without any control on the judiciary, what must be the result? 
Are we not taught by reason, experience and gov u'mneutal history, 
that tyranny is the natural and certain consequence of uniting these 
two powers, or the legislative and judicial powers exclusively, in the 
same body ? If any one denies it, I shall pass by him as an infidel not 
. to be reclaimed. Wherever any two of these three powers are vested 
in one single body, they must, at one time or other, terminate in the 
destruction of liberty. In the most important cases, the assent of nine 
states is necessary to pass a law; this is too great a restriction, and 
whatever good consequences it may in some cases produce, yet it will 
prevent energy in "many other cases ; it will prevent energy, which is 
most necessary on some emergencies, even in cases wherein the exist- 
ence of the community depends on vigor and expedition. It is incom- 
patible with that secrecy which is the life of execution and despatch. 
Did ever thirty or forty men retain a secret ? Without secrecy no 
government can carry on its operations on great occasions; this is 
what gives that superiority in action to the government of one. If any 
thing were wanting to complete this farce, it would be that a resolution 
of the assembly of Virginia and the other legislatures, should be 
necessary to confirm and render of any validity the congressional acts; 
this would openly discover the debility of the general government to 
all the world. But, in fact, its imbecility is now nearly the same as if 
such acts were formally requisite. An act of the assembly of Virginia, 
controverting a resolution of congress, would certainly prevail. I 
therefore conclude that the confederation is too defective to deserve 
correction. Let us take farewell of it with reverential respect, as an 
old benefactor. It is gone, whether this house says so or not. It is 
gone, sir, by its own weakness. 

" I have labored for the continuance of the Union — the rock of our 
salvation. I believe that as sure as there is a God in heaven, our 
safety, our political happiness and existence, depend on the union of 
the states; and that, without this union, the people of this and the 
other states will undergo the unspeakable calamities w hich discord, 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 35 

faetiou, turbulence, war and bloodshed have produced in other coun- 
tries. The American spirit ought to be mixed with American pride — 
pride to see the union magnificently triumph. Let that glorious pride 
which once defied the British thunder, reanimate you again. Let it 
not be recorded of Americans, that, after having performed the most 
gallant exploits, after having overcome the most astonishing difficulties, 
and after having gained the admiration of the world by their incom- 
parable valor and policy, they lost their acquired reputation, their 
national consequence and happiness, by their own indiscretion. Let 
no future historian inform posterity that they wanted wisdom and 
virtue to concur in any regular, efficient government. Should any 
writer, doomed to so disagreeable a task, feel the indignation of an 
honest historian, he would reprehend and recriminate our folly with 
equal severity and justice. Catch the present moment ; seize it with 
avidity and eagerness ; for it may be lost, never to be regained. If 
the Union be now lost, I fear it will remain so forever. I believe 
gentlemen are sincere in their opposition, and actuated by pure 
motives ; but when I maturely weigh the advantages ot the Union, 
and dreadful consequences of its dissolution ; when I see safety on my 
right, and destruction on my left ; when I behold respectability and 
happiness acquired by the one, but annihilated by the other, — I cannot 
hesitate to decide in favor of the former." * 

From the three subsequent speeches of Mr. Henry in 
reply, we take the following : 

" Switzerland consists of thirteen cantons expressly confederated 
for national defense. They have stood the shock of four hundred 
years ; that country has enjoyed internal tranquillity most of that long 
period. Their dissensions have been, comparatively to those of other 
countries, very few. What has passed in the neighboring countries ? 
Wars, dissensions, and intrigues — Germany involved in the most de- 
plorable civil war thirty years successively, continually convulsed with 
intestine divisions, and harassed by foreign wars — France with her 
mighty monarchy perpetually at war. Compare the peasants of 
Switzerland with those of any other mighty nation : you will find them 
far more happy ; for one civil war among them, there have been five 
or six anions other nations ; their attachment to their country, and 
to freedom, their resolute intrepidity in their defense, the consequent 
security and happiness which they have enjoyed, and the respect and 
awe which these things produced in their bordering nations, have 
signalized those republicans Their valor, sir, has been active ; every 
thing that sets in motion the springs of the human heart, engaged them 
to the protection of their inestimable privileges. They have not only 
secured their own liberty, but have been the arbiters of the fate of 
other people. Here, sir, contemplate the triumph of republican 
governments over the pride of monarchy. I acknowledge, sir, that 
the necessity of national defence has prevailed in invigorating then- 
counsels and arms, and has been, in a considerable degree, the means 
of keeping these honest people together. But, sir, they have had 
wisdom "enough to keep together and render themselves formidable. 



36 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

Their heroism is proverbial. They would heroically fight for their 
government and their laws. One of the illumined sons of these times 
would not fight for those objects. Those virtuous and simple people 
have not a mighty and splendid president, nor enormously expensive 
navies and armies to support No, sir; those brave republicans have 
acquired there reputation no less by their undaunted intrepidity, than 
by the wisdom of their frugal and economical policy. Let us follow 
their example, and be equally happy. The honorable member advises 
us to adopt a measure which will destroy our bill of rights; for, after 
hearing his picture of nations, and his reasons for abandoning all the 
powers retained to the States by the confederation I am more firmly 
persuaded of the impropriety of adopting this new plan in its present 



" "We are threatened with danger for the non-payment of the debt 
now due to France. We have information from an illustrious citizen 
of Virginia, who is now in Paris, which disproves the suggestions of 
such danger. This citizen has not been in the airy regions of theoretic 
speculation : our ambassador is this worthy citizen. The ambassador 
of the United States of America is not so despised as the honorable 
gentleman would make us believe. A servant of a republic is as much 
respected as that of a monarch. The honorable gentleman tells us 
that hostile fleets are to be sent to make reprisals upon us : our 
ambassador tells you that the king of France has taken into considera- 
tion, to enter into commercial regulations on reciprocal terms with us. 
which will be of peculiar advantage to us. Does this look like 
hostility ? I might go further ; I might say, not from public authority, 
but good information, that his opinion is, that you reject this govern- 
ment. His character and abilities are in the highest estimation ; he is 
well acquainted, in every respect, with this country ; equally so with 
the policy of the European nations. This illustrious citizen advises 
you to reject this government, till it bo amended. * His sentiments 
coincide entirely with ours. His attachment to, and services done 
for, this country are well known. At a great distance from us, he 
remembers and studies our happiness. Living amidst splendor and 
dissipation, he thinks yet of bills of rights — thinks of those little despised 
things called maxims Let us follow the sage advice of this common 
friend of our happiness. It is little usual for nations to send armies 
to collect debts The house of Bourbon, that great friend of America, 
will never attack her for the unwilling delay of payment. Give me 
leave to say that Europe is too much engaged about objects of greater 
importance to attend to us. On that great theater of the world, the 
little American matters vanish. Do you believe that the mighty 
monarch of France, beholding the greatest scenes that ever engaged 
the attention of a prince of that country, will divert himself from those 
important objects, and now call for a settlement of accounts with 
America ? This proceeding is not warranted by good sense. The 
friendly disposition to us, and the actual situation of France, render 
the idea of danger from that quarter absurd. Would this countryman 
of ours be fond of advising us to a measure which he knew to be 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 37 

dangerous— and can it be reasonably supposed, that he can be ignorant 
of any premeditated hostility against this country? The honorable 
gentleman may suspect the account: but I will do our friend the 
justice to say that he would warn us of any dauger from France. 

" Do you suppose the Spanish monarch will risk a contest with the 
United States, when his feeble colonies are. exposed to them ? Every 
advance the people here make to the westward, makes him tremble 
for Mexico and Peru. Despised as we are among ourselves under our 
present government, we are terrible to that monarchy. If this be not 
a fact, it is generally said so. 

# * -V #•# * # # 

. " This government is so new that it wants a name. I wish its other 
novelties were as harmless as this. He told us we had an American 
dictator in the year 1781. We never had an American Preside >t. In 
making a dictator we followed the example of the most glorious, 
magnanimous, and skillful nations. In great dangers this power has 
been given, Rome had furnished us with an illustrious example. 
America found a person worthy of that trust ; she looked to Virginia 
for him. We gave a dictatorial power to hands that used it gloriously 
and which were rendered more glorious by surrendering it up. Where 
is there a breed of such dictators 1 Shall we find a set of American 
Presidents of such a breed? Will the American President come and 
lay prostrate at the feet of Congress his laurels ? I fear there are few 
men who can be trusted on that head. The glorious republic of 
Holland has erected monuments to her warlike intrepidity and valor ; 
yet she is now totally ruined by a stadtholder, a Dutch president. The 
destructive wars into which that nation has been plunged have since 
involved her in ambition. The glorious triumphs of Blenheim and 
Raraillies were not so conformable to the genius, nor so much to the 
true interest of the republic, as those numerous and useful canals and 
dikes, and other objects at which ambition spurns. That republic has, 
however, by the industry of its inhabitants and policy of its magistrates, 
suppressed the ill effects of ambition. Notwithstanding two of their 
provinces have paid nothing, yet I hope the example of Holland will 
tell us that we can live happily without changing our present despised 
government. Cannot people be as happy under a mild as under an 
energetic government ? Cannot content and felicity be enjoyed in a 
republic as well as in a monarchy, because there are whips, chains, 
and scourges used in the latter ? If I am not as rich as my neighbor, 
if I give my mite, my all, republican forbearance will say that it is 
sufficient. So said the honest confederates of Holland; 'You are 
poor ; we are rich. We will go on and do better, far better, than be 
under an oppressive government.' Far better will it be for us to con- 
tinue as we are, than go under that tight, energetic government. I 
am persuaded of what the honorable gentleman says, that separate 
confederacies will ruin us. In my judgment, they are evils never to 
be thought of till a people are driven by necessity. When he asks my 
opinion of. consolidation, of one power to reign over America with a 
strong hand, I will tell him. I am persuaded of the rectitude of my 
honorable friend's opinion (Mr. Mason), that one government cannot 



38 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 



reign over so extensive a country as this is, without absolute despotism. 
Compared to such a consolidation, small confederacies are little e\ils, 
though they ought to be recurred to but in case of necessity. Virginia 
and North Carolina are despised. They could exist separated from 
the rest of America. Maryland and Vermont were not overrun when 
out of the confederacy. Thuugh it is not a desirable object, yet. I 
trust, that on examination it will be found, that Virginia and North 
Carolina would not be swallowed up in case it was necessary for them 
to be joined together. 



" I call upon every gentleman here to declare, whether the king of 
England had any subjects so attached to his family and government — 
so loyal as we were. But the genius of Virginia called us for liberty; 
called us from those beloved endearments, which, from long habits, we 
were taugh* to love and revere. We entertained from our earliest 
infan -v the ii»jst sincere regard and reverence for the mother coun- 
try. O.t . partiality extended to a predilection for her customs, habits, 
manners, and laws. Thus inclined, when the deprivation of our lib- 
erty was attempted, what did we do I What did the genius of Virginia 
tell us i 'Sell all and purchase liberty.' This is a .severe conflict. 
Republican maxims were then esteemed. Those maxims and the 
genius of Virginia landed you safe on the shore of freedom. On this 
awful occasion, did you want a federal government ? Did federal ideas 
possess your minds 1 Did federal ideas lead you to the most splendid 
victories J ? I must again repeat the favorite idea, that the .genius of 
Virginia did, and will again lead us to happiness. To obtain the most 
splendid prize, you did not consolidate. You accomplished the most 
glorious ends by the assistance of the genius of your country. Men 
were then taught by that genius that they were fighting for what was 
most dear to them. View the most affectionate father, the most tender 
mother, operated on by liberty, nobly stimulating, their sons, their 
dearest sons, sometimes their only son, to advance to the defense of 
his country. We have seen sons of Cincinnatus, without splendid 
magnificence or parade, going, with the genius of their progenitor 
Cincinnatus to the plow — men who served their country without 
ruining it ; men who had served it to the destruction of their private 
patrimonies ; their country owing them amazing amounts, for the pay- 
ment of which no adequate provision was then made. We have seen 
such men throw prostrate their arms at your feet. • They did not call 
for those emoluments which ambition presents to some imaginations 
The soldiers who were able to command every thing, instead of tram- 
pling on those laws which they were instituted to defend, most strictly 
obeyed them. The hands of justice have not been laid on a single 
American soldier. Bring them into contrast with European veterans 
— you will see an astonishing superiority over the latter. There has 
been a strict subordination to the laws. The honorable gentleman's 
office gave him an opportunity of viewing if the laws were administered 
so as to prevent riots, routs, and unlawful assemblies. From his then 
situation, he could have furnished us with the instances in which 
licentiousness trampled on the laws. 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 39 

" Among all our troubles, we have paid almost to the last shilling, 
for the sake of justice ; we have paid as well as any state ; I will not 
say better. To support the general government and our own legisla- 
ture ; to pay the interest of the public debts, and defray contingencies, 
we have been heavily taxed. To add to these things, the distresses 
produced by paper money, and by tobacco contracts, were sufficient to 
render any people discontented. These, sir, were great temptations ; 
but in the most severe conflict of misfortunes, this code of laws— this 
genius, of Virginia, call it what you will, triumphed ever everything. 
# # # # * *'* # 

" I am constrained, to make a few remarks on the absurdity of adopt- 
ing this system, and relying on the chance of getting it amended after- 
ward. When it is confessed to be replete with defects, is it not offer- 
ing to insult your understandings, to attempt to reason you out of the 
propriety of rejecting it, till it be amended ? Does it not insult your 
judgments to tell you — adopt first, and then amend? Is your rage for 
novelty so great, that you are first to sign and seal, and then to retract ? 
Is it possible to conceive a greater solecism ? I am at a loss what to 
say. You agree to bind yourselves hand and foot — for the sake of 
what ? Of being unbound. You go into a dungeon — for what ? To 
get out. Is there no danger, wheu you go in, that the bolts of federal 
authority shall shut you in ? Human nature never will part from 
power. Look for an example of a voluntary relinquishment of power, 
from one end of the globe to another — you will find none. Nine-tenths 
of our fellow-men have been, and are now, depressed by the most in- 
tolerable slavery, in the different parts of the world ; because the 
strong hand of power has bolted them in the dungeon of despotism. 
Eeview the present situation of the nations of Europe, which is pre- 
tended to be the freest quarter of the globe. Cast your eyes on the 
countries called free there. Look at the country from which we are 
descended, I beseech you ; and although we are separated by everlast- 
ing, insuperable partitions, yet there are some virtuous people there 
who are friends to human nature and liberty. Look at Britain ; see 
there the bolts and bars of power ; see bribery and corruption defiling 
the fairest fabric that ever human nature reared. Can a gentleman 
who is an Englishman, or who is acquainted with the English history 
desire to prove these evils ? See the efforts of a man descended from 
a friend of America : see the efforts of that man, assisted even by the 
king, to make reforms. But you find the faults too strong to be 
amended. Nothing but bloody war can alter them. See Ireland ; 
that country groaned from century to century, without getting their 
government amended. Previous adoption was the fashion there. 
They sent for amendments from time to time, but never obtained them, 
though pressed by the severest oppression, till eighty thousand vol- 
unteers demanded them sword in hand — till the power of Britain was 
prostrate ; when the American resistance was crowned with success. 
Shall we do so? If you judge by the experience of Ireland, you must 
obtain the amendments as early as possible. But I ask you again, 
where is the example that a government was amended by those who 
instituted it ? Where is the instance of the errors of a government 
rectified by those who adopted them ? 



40 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 



' Perhaps I shall be told, that I have gone through the regions of 
fancy; that I deal in noisy exclamations and mighty professions of 
patriotism. Gentlemen may retain their opinions ; but 1 look on (hat 
paper as the most fatal plan that could possibly be conceived to enslave 
a free people. If such be your rage for novelty, take it and welcome ; 
but you never shall have my consent. My sentiments may appear ex- 
travagant, but I can tell you, that a number of my fellow-citizens have 
kindred sentiments ; and I am anxious, if my country should come into 
the hands of tyranny, to exculpate myself from being in any degree the 
cause, and to exert my faculties to the utmost to extricate her. 
Whether I am gratified or not in my beloved form of government, I 
consider that the more she is plunged into distress, the more it is my 
duty to relieve her. Whatever may be the result, I shall wait with 
patience till the day may come when an opportunity shall offer to exert 
myself in her cause. 

" But I should be led to take that man for a lunatic, who should tell 
me to run into the adoption of a government avowedly defective, in 
hopes of having it amended afterward. Were I about to give away 
the meanest particle of my own property, I should act with more 
prudence and discretion. My anxiety and fears are great, lest 
America, by the adoption of this system, should be cast into a fathom- 
less abyss." 

Without the whole speeches — and these, lack of space 
forbids us to give— the reader loses the nice points on both 
sides ; but he readily perceives the great secret of the effect 
of the debate, which is the secret of the effect of eloquence 
always — namely, earnestness. The speakers believe what 
they say and are endeavoring to impress others with that 
belief. And this earnestness is called out more strongly 
by the opposition. Each is master of his subject ; each is 
earnest in its support j and each uses simple and appropriate 
language to express his opinions. In fact, we know of 
nothing better as a foundation of style in speaking — not 
even the speeches of Demosthenes in the original, than a 
close study of the debates, poorly as they are reported, 
of the convention that framed the United States Constitu- 
tion, or that of any of the states who met to consider the 
propriety of ratifying it. For to such bodies, in those days, 
they sent men of brains and culture, and those took their 
legitimate lead. 

Of course, if the reader of this little work, ever goes to 
a constitutional convention, or Congress, he will not need, 
or will not think he needs any hints from us. It is the 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 41 

heaven-inspired privilege of your congressman or legislator 
to know everything, though, with an astonishing stinginess,- 
he keeps that knowledge generally pretty closely to him- 
self. But to the novice, before lie gets to Congress, our 
instruction may be of some use, and hence we have devoted 
so much of our space to general principles, and to extracts 
in illustration 

We have previously spoken of humor, and how danger- 
ous it is in unpracticed hands. With the skilled speaker it 
becomes a powerful weapon. Two instances in our con- 
gressional history occur to us, where the use of sarcasm — 
for it is this form of humor which is most forcible in debale 
— had astonishing effect. The first was by the late Thomas 
Corwin. It was in Congress in 1840. Mr. Crary, of 
Michigan, in a speech on some particular subject, made a 
fierce attack upon General Harrison, who was a candidate 
for the presidency at the time; and in a labored speech 
endeavored to show that General Harrison was very incom- 
petent as a military man, and had blundered terribly at the 
battle of Tippecanoe. Thereupon Corwin replied in an 
admirable bantering speech, whose irony was so severe that 
it not only closed Crary's mouth for the time, but drove 
him from public life altogether. The* second is* more re- 
cent. There is a bill which proposes to grant a certain 
amount of public land for the St. Croix railroad — or rather 
it is proposed to renew the grant in a former bill, which 
failed to be used in time. The bill has been rejected, but 
returns again. Last year it made its appearance. Mr. J. 
Proctor Knott, of Kentucky, was not satisfied with the bill, 
but did not care to argue seriously upon what he supposed 
to be a mere attempt to get more of the public domain away 
from its owners. After speaking in a humorous way con- 
cerning the St. Croix region, and holding up the friends of 
the measure and the measure itself to ridicule, he turned to 
the town of Minnesota which was to be chiefly benefited by 
the measure, and paid his respects to it, in the following 
style : 

" Now, sir, I repeat I have been satisfied for years that if there was 
any portion of the inhabited globe absolutely in a suffering condition 
for w'anA of a railroad, it was these teeming pine barrens of St. Croix. 



42 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 



(Laughter.) At what particular point on that noble stream such a 
road should be commenced I know was immaterial, and so it seems to 
have been considered by the draughtsman of this bill. It might be up 
at the spring or down at the foot-log, or the water-gate, or the fish- 
dam, or anywhere along the bank, no matter where. (Laughter.) 
But in what direction it should run, or where it should terminate, 
were always to my mind questions of the most painful perplexity. I 
could conceive of no place on ' God's green earth' in such straightened 
circumstances for railroad facilities as to be likely to desire or willing 
to accept such a connection. (Laughter.) I know that neither 
Bayfield nor Superior City would have it, for they both indignantly 
spurned the munificence of the government when coupled with such 
ignominious conditions, and let this very same land grant die on their 
hands years and years ago, ratlier than submit to the degradation of 
direct communication by railroad with the piney woods of the St. 
Croix ; and I know that what the enterprising inhabitants of those 
giant young cities would refuse to take would have few charms for 
others, whatever their necessities or cupidity might be. (Laughter.) 
Hence, as 1 have said, sir, I was utterly at a loss to determine where 
the terminus of this great and indispensable road should be, until I 
accidentally overheard some gentlemen the "other day mention the 
name of "Duluth.' (Great laughter.) Duluth. The word fell upon 
my ear with peculiar and indescribable charm, like the gentle murmur 
of a low fountain stealing forth in the midst of roses, or the soft sweet 
accents of an angel's whisper in the bright, joyous dream of sleeping 
innocence. 

4 ' Duluth! 'Twas the name for which my soul had panted for years, 
as the hart panteth for the water-brooks! (Renewed laughter ) But 
where was 1 Duluth? Never, in all my limited reading, had my vision 
been gladdened by seeing thecelestial word in print. (Laughter.) 
And 1 felt a profounder humiliation in my ignorance that its dulcet 
syllables had never before ravished my delighted ear. (Boars of 
laughter.) I was certain the draughtsman of this bill had never heard 
of it, or it would have been designated as one of the termini of this 
road. I asked my friends about it, but they knew nothing of it I 
rushed to the library and examined all the maps I could find. 
(Laughter.) I discovered in one of them a delicate, hair-like line, 
diverging from the Mississippi near a place called Prescott, which I 
suppose was intended to represent the river St. Croix, but I could 
nowhere find Duluth ! 

" Nevertheless, I was confident; that it existed somewhere, and that 
its discovery would constitute the crowning glory of the present 
century, if not of all modern times. (Laughter.) I knew it was 
bound to exist in the very nature of things ; that the symmetry and 
perfection of our planetary system would be incomplete without it, 
(renewed laughter) ; that the elements of material nature would long 
since have resolved themselves back into original chaos if there had 
been such a hiatus in creation as would have resulted from leaving out 
Duluth. (Roars of laughter.) In fact, sir, I was overwhelmed with 
the conviction that Duluth not only existed somewhere, but that, 



THE IMPKOMPTU SPEAKER. 43 

wherever it was, it was a great and glorious place. I was convinced 
that the greatest calamity that ever befell the benighted nations of the 
ancient world was in their having passed away without a knowledge 
of the actual existence of Duluth ; that their fabled Atlantis, never 
seen save by the hallowed vision of inspired poesy, was, in fact, but 
another name for Duluth ; that the golden orchard of the Hesperides 
w r as but a poetical synonym for the beer gardens in the vicinity of 
Duluth. (Great laughter.) I was certain that Herodotus had died a 
miserable death, because in all his travels, and with all his geographical 
research, he had never heard of Duluth. (Laughter.) I knew that it" 
the immortal spirit of Homer could look down from another heaven 
than that created by his own celestial genius, upon the long lines of 
pilgrims from every nation of the earth to the gushing fountain of 
poesy opened by the touch of his magic wand ; if he could be permitted 
to behold the vast assemblage of grand and glorious productions of the 
lyric art called into being by his own inspired strains, he would weep 
tears of bitter anguish that, instead of lavishing all the stores of his 
mighty genius upon the fall of Ilion, it had not been his more blessed 
lot to crystalize in deathless song the rising glories of Duluth. (Great 
and continued laughter.) Yet, sir, had it not been for this map, kindly 
furnished me by the Legislature of Minnesota, I might have gone 
down to my obscure and humble grave in an agony of despair because 
I could nowhere find Duluth. (Renewed laughter ) Had such been 
my melancholy fate, I have no doubt but that, with the last feeble 
pulsation of my breaking heart, with the last faint exhalation of my 
fleeting breath, I should have whispered, ' Where is Duluth\?' 
(Roars of laughter.) But, thanks be to the beneficence of that baud 
of ministering angels who have their bright abodes in the far-off capital 
of Minnesota, just as the agony of my anxiety was about to culminate 
in the frenzy of despair, this blessed map was placed in my hands and 
as I unfolded it a resplendent scene of ineffable glory opened before me, 
such as I imagine burst upon the enraptured vision of the wandering 
peri through the opening gate;* of paradise. (Renewed laughter.) 
Then, there for the first time, my enchanted eyes rested upon the 
ravishing word 'Duluth.' 

" This map, sir, is intended, as it appears from its title, to illustrate 
the position of Duluth in the United States; but if gentlemen will ex- 
amine it, I think they will concur with me in the opinion that it is far 
too modest in its pretensions. It not only illustrates the position of 
Duluth in the United States, but exhibits its relations with all created 
things. It even goes further than this. It lifts the shadowy veil of 
futurity and affords us a view of the golden prospects of Duluth far 
along the dim vista of ages yet to come. 

" If gentlemen will examine it they will find Duluth not only in the 
center of the map, but represented in the center of a series of con- 
centric circles one hundred miles apart, and some of them as much as 
four thousand miles in diameter, embracing alike in their tremendous 
sweep the fragrant savannas of the sunlit South and the eternal soli- 
tudes of snow that mantle the ,ice-bound North. (Laughter.) How 
these circles were produced is perhaps one of those primordial 



44 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 



mysteries' that the most skillful puleologists will never be able to ex- 
plain. (Renewed laughter.) But the fact is, sir, Duluth is pre-' 
eminently a central place, for I have been told by gentlemen who have 
been so reckless of their personal safety as to venture away into those 
awful regions where Duluth is supposed to be, that it is so exactly in 
the center of the visible universe that the sky comes down at precisely 
the same distance all around it. (Roars of laughter.) I find by 
reference to this map that Duluth is situated somewhere near the 
western end of Lake Superior, but as there is no dot or other mark 
indicating its exact location, I am unable to say whether it is actually 
confined to any particular spot, or whether 'it is just lyiug around there 
loose.' (Renewed laughter.) I really cannot tell whether it is one of 
those ethereal creations of intellectual frost-work, more intangible than 
the rose tinted clouds of a summer sunset ; one of those airy exhalations 
of the speculator's brain which I am told are ever flitting in the form 
of towns and cities along the lines of railroad built with government 
subsidies, luring the unwary settler as the mirage of the desert lures 
the famishing traveler on, and ever on, until it fades away in the 
darkening horizon, or whether it is a real, bona fide, substantial city, 
all ' staked off,' with the lots marked with their owners' names like 
tbat proud commercial metropolis recently discovered on the desirable 
shores of San Domiugo. (Laughter.) But, however that may be, I 
am satisfied Duluth is there, or there about, for I see it stated here on 
this map that it is exactly thirty-nine hundred and ninety miles from 
Liverpool (laughter), though I have no doubt for the sake of conveni- 
ence, it will be moved back ten miles, so as to make the distance an 
even four thousand. (Renewed laughter.) 

" Then, sir. there is the climate of Duluth, unquestionably the most 
salubrious and delightful to be found anywhere on the Lord's earth. 
Now, I have always been under the impression, as I presume other 
gentlemen have, that in the region around Lake Superior, it was cold 
enough for at least nine months in the year to freeze the smoke-stack 
off a locomotive. (Great laughter.) But I see it represented on this 
map that Duluth is situated exactly half way between the latitudes of 
Paris and Venice, so that gentlemen who have inhaled the exhilarating 
airs of the one, basked in the golden sunlight of the other may see at a 
glance that Duluth must be a place of untold delights (laughter), a 
terrestrial paradise fanned by the palmy zephyrs of an eternal spring, 
clothed in the gorgeous sheen of ever-blooming flowers, and vocal with 
the silver melody of nature's choicest songsters. (Laughter ) In fact, 
sir. since I have seen this map I have no doubt that Byron was vainly 
endeavoring to convey some faint conceptions of the delicious charms 
of Duluth when his poetic soul gushed forth in the rippling strains ot 
that beautiful rhapsody — 

Know ye the land of the cedar and pine, 

Wf'ere the flowers ever blossom, the beams ever shine ; 

Where the light wings of Zephyr, oppressed with perfume, 

"Wax faint o'er the gardens of G-ul in her blooin ; V 

Where the citron and olive are fairest of fruit 

And the voice of the nightingale never is mute ; 

Where the tints of the earth and the hues of the sky, 

In color, though varied, in beauty may vie 1 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 45 

• : As to the commercial resources of Duluth, sir, they are simply 
illimitable, and inexhaustible, as is shown by this map. 1 see it stated 
here that there is a vast scope of territory, embracing an area of over 

• ',000,OGO square miles, rich in every element of material wealth and 
commercial prosperity, all tributary to Duluth. Look at it, sir, (point- 
ing to the map.) Here are inexhaustible mines of gold, immeasurable 
veins of silver, impenetrable depths of boundless forest, vast coal 
treasures, wide extended plains of richest pasturage, all, all embraced 
in this vast territory, which must, in the very nature of things, empty 
the untold treasures of its commerce into the lap of Duluth. (Laughter.) 
Look at it, sir, (pointing to the map) ; do not you see, from these 
broad, brown lines drawn around this immense territory, that the 
enterprising inhabitants of Duluth intend some day to inclose it all in 
one vast corral, so that its commerce will be bound to go there whether 
it would or not ? (Great laughter.) And here, sir (still pointing to 
the map), I find, within a convenient distance, the Piegan Indians, 
which, of all the many accessories to the glory of Duluth I consider by 
far the most estimable. For, sir, I have been told that when the small- 
pox breaks out among the women and children of that famous tribe, as 
it sometimes does, they afford the finest subject in the world for 
stragetical experiments, and any enterprising military hero who desires 
to improve himself in the noble art of war (laughter), especially for any 
lieutenant-general whose 

Trenchant blade Toledo trusty, 
For want of fighting- has grown rusty, 
And eats into itself for lack 
Of somebody to hew and hack. 

(Great laughter.) 

" Sir, the great conflict now raging in the Old World has presented a 
phenomenon in military operations unprecedented in the annals of 
mankind, a phenomenon that has reversed all the traditions of the 
past as it has disappointed all the expectations of the present. A 
great and warlike people, renowned alike for their skill and valor, have 
been swept away before the triumphant advance of an inferior foe, 
like autumn stubble before a hurricane of fire. For aught I know, the 
next flash of electric fire that shimmers along the ocean cable may tell 
us that Paris, with every fiber quivering with the agony of impotent 
despair, writhes beneath the conquering heel of her cursed invader. 
Ere another moon sha'l wax and wane the brightest star in the galaxy 
of nations may fall from the zenith of her glory, never to rise again. 
Ere the modest violets of early spring shall open their beauteous eyes, 
the genius of civilization may chant the wailing requiem of the proud- 
est nationality the world has ever seen, as she scatters her withered 
and tear-moistened lilies o'er the bloody tomb of butchered France. 
But, sir, I wish to ask if you honestly and candidly believe that the 
Dutch would have ever overrun the French in that kind of style if 
Gen. Sheridan had not gone over there and told King William and Von 
Moltke how he had managed to whip the Piegan Indians/' (Great 
laughter.) 

(Here the hammer fell.) 



46 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

(Many cries, " Go on !" " Go on.") 

The Speaker — " Is there ohjection to the gentleman from Kentucky 
continuing his remarks ? The Chair hears none. The gentleman will 
proceed." 

• Mr. Knott — "I was remarking, sir, upon these vast 'wheat fields.' 
represented on this map in the immediate neighborhood of the buffaloes 
and the Piegans, and was about to say that the idea of there bein,^ 
these immense wheat fields in the very heart of a wilderness, hundred's 
and hundreds of miles bctyond the utmost verge of civilization, may 
appear to some gentlemen rather incongruous — as rather too great a 
strain on the 'blankets' of veracity. But, to my mind, there is no 
difficulty in the matter whatever. The phenomenon is very easily 
accounted for. It is evident, sir, that the Piegans sowed that wheat 
there and plowed it in with buffalo bulls. (Great laughter.) Now, sir, 
this fortunate combination of buffaloes and Piegans, considering their 
relative positions to each other and to Duluth, as they are arranged on 
this map, satisfies me that Duluth is destined to be the beef market of 
the world. 

" Here you will observe, (pointing to the map), are the buffaloes, 
directly between the Piegans and Duluth, and here, right on the road 
to Duluth, are the Creeks. Now, sir, when the buffaloes are suffi- 
ciently fat from grazing on those immense wheat fields, you see it will 
be the easiest thing in the wwrld for the Piegans to drive them on 
down, stay all night with their friends, the Creeks, and go into Duluth 
in the morning. (Great laughter.) I think I see them now, sir, a 
vast herd of buffaloes, with their heads down, their eyes glaring, their 
nostrils dilated, their tongues out, and their tails curled over their 
backs, tearing along toward Duluth, with about a thousand Piegans on 
their grass -bellied ponies, yelling at their heels! (Great laughter) 
On they come ! And as they sweep past the Creeks they join in the 
chase, and the way they all go, yelling, bellowing, ripping and tearing 
along, amid clouds of dust, until the last buffalo is safely penned in the 
stock yards of Duluth. (Shouts of laughter.) 

"Sir, I might stand here for hours and hours, and expatiate with 
rapture upon the gorgeous prospects of Duluth as depicted upon this 
map. But human life is too short, and the time of this House far too 
valuable to allow me to linger longer upon- the delightful theme. 
(Laughter.) I think every gentleman on this floor is as well satisfied 
as I am that Duluth is destined to become the commercial metropolis 
of the universe, and that this road should be built at once I am fully 
persuaded that no patriotic representative of the American people, 
who has a proper appreciation of the associated glories of Duluth and 
the St. Croix, will hesitate a moment to say that every able-bodied 
female in the land between the ages of eighteen and forty-five who is 
in favor of ' women's rights ' should be drafted and set to work upon 
this great work without delay. (Koars of laughter ) Nevertheless, 
sir, it grieves my very soul to be compelled to say that I cannot vote 
for the grant of lands provided for in this bill. 

"Ah! sir, you can have no conception of the poignancy of my 
anguish that I am deprived of the blessed privilege! (Laughter.) 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAK ES 47 

There are two insuperable obstacles in the way. In the first place, 
my constituents, for whom I am acting here, have no more interest in 
this road than they have in the great question of culinary taste now, 
perhaps, agitating the public mind of Dominica, as to whether the 
illustrious commissioners who recently left this capital for that free 
and enlightened republic would be better fricasseed, boiled or roasted 
(great laughter) ; and, in the second place, these lands which I am 
asked to give away, alas, are not mine to bestow ! My relation to 
them is simply that of trustee to an express trust. And shall I ever 
betray that trust ? Never, sir! Eather perish Duluth! (Shouts of 
laughter.) Perish the paragon of cities ! Rather let the freezing 
cyclones of the bleak n )rthwest bury it forever beneath the eddying 
sands of the St. Croix !" (Great laughter.) 



PART IV.-OF SPEECH-MAKING IN GENERAL. 



HAVING given the reader some idea of tae three 
kinds of speeches mostly in vogue — for the set, or 
written oration, is confined now-a-days to the lecture-room 
or pulpit — we close by a chapter of detailed instruction. 

No man should speak in public unless he have some- 
thing to say, and a purpose to serve thereby. Nor should 
he speak unless he can say that something properly. Nor 
should he continue to speak after he has exhausted his 
subject. We therefore consider, first, the matter of the 
speech, secondly, the manner of the speech, and thirdly, the 
end of the speech. 

First, then, of the matter. There must be ideas, and one 
leading idea around which the rest should be grouped. 
This should be introduced by a brief exordium j and should 
be properly insisted on and sustained, but never entirely 
lost sight of. You speak to a certain end, whatever the 
subject, or whenever you speak. Let that be kept in mind 
from first to last. But do not attempt to do too much. It 
you are making a speech in opposition to a certain political . 
policy, do not endeavor to expose all the errors of your 
opponents. Select the one which is most recent in public 
report; or most likely to arouse popular prejudice; or is 
of itself most enormous. Having presented its wrong in as 
terse language as possible, endeavor to show that it is not 



48 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER 

so much due to the wickedness of your opponents as to the 
inherent tendency of the system of public policy which they 
support. Nothing is lost by attributing good motives to 
your opponents. The hearer thinks you to be generous and 
frank, which predisposes him to give you a fair hearing. 
Then take up more particularly that part of their policy 
t onnected with the particular subject under discussion. So 
soon as you have made a strong point, and you see it has 
told on the audience, do not weaken it by elaboration, but 
go to another portion of the subject, or, if you find you have 
made an effective hit, close without dvlay. If you are dis- 
cussing a subject with others, you may proceed a little 
• differently. If they have made any points that are apt to 
tell against your position, notice them after you have made 
your own points, but do not be seduced to consider them 
solely, or to devote too much time to their refutation, other- 
wise you will be forced into the defensive, which is always 
disadvantageous. 

Study to use the plainest and simplest words and phrases. 
"We do not mean by this that you should, in avoiding long 
and ponderous words, fall into the error of using " slang n 
expressions ; but that you should take in preference words 
of Saxon or Celtic rather than of Latin or Greek origin. 
Say that the house was " burned," and not that it ''fell 
before the devouring elements ;" say that, the man was 
' hanged," and not that he " suffered death by strangula- 
tion f say " milk " and not " the lacteal fluid ,? — in short, 
use such words and phrases as are understood by the most 
uncultured, and j T ou will not injure yourself in the estima- 
tion of the learned. Otherwise, though you may astonish 
the ignorant, you will be laughed at by people of common 
sense, who are greater in number than some people suppose. 
While we insist on using not only the simplest words, but 
the fewest necessary to convey a meaning properly, we do 
not advise that brevity should be carried to the extent of 
barrenness. The use of words to an end is very much like 
the use of money. It may ba extravagant to expend 
very little, and economical to spend very much. As that 
is the best use of money which gets what we want for the 
least expenditure, we use words best, when we just use 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 49 

enough to convey our meaning clearly and elegantly, and 
no more. 

Avoid quotations, unless they enforce a point, but above 
all keep clear of classical quotations, and scraps of foreign 
or dead languages. In a body composed of thoroughly- 
educated men you may air your learning a little, but not 
before a miscellaneous audience. If you do quote, however, 
see that it suits the time, and be not lugged in to show your 
memory. 

Figures of rhetoric should be sparingly used, and some of 
them with more particular caution. Those most apt to be 
used by the inexperienced orator, are simile, metaphor, 
apostrophe and ecphonesis. Simile and metaphor differ in 
this — simile compares things, and metaphor identifies them. 
The latter is the more powerful, and in general preferable. 
" He is bold as a lion " — there is simile ; u he is a lion," — 
that is metaphor. Either, howevg.*, should be sparingly 
employed, and should come naturally out of the manage- 
ment of the subject, and not be dragged in. 

Apostrophe and ecphonesis differ in this — that apostrophe 
is an address to something or some one connected with the 
subject under consideration, while ecphonesis is a sudden 
exclamation, expressing some kind of emotion springing 
from the main subject. The latter is a very commonly 
used figure, and as it diverts the attention of the hearer 
from the main subject, its excess should be guarded against. 

Antithesis is a figure of great value. By contrasting 
things or qualities directly opposite, it produces frequently 
a striking effect. One of the most remarkable specimens 
of antithesis, is to be found in one of the speeches of the 
celebrated Irish orator, Phillips, in which he speaks of the 
elder Napoleon as follows: 

*' Flung into life in the midst of a revolution that quickened every 
energy of a people who acknowledged no superior, he commenced his 
course, a stranger by birth, and a scholar by charity With no friend 
but his sword, and no fortune but his talents, he rushed in the list 
where rank, and wealth, and genius had arrayed themselves, and 
competition fled from him, as from the glance of destiny. 

" He knew no motive but interest; acknowledged no criterion but 
success ; he worshipped no God but ambition, and with an eastern 
devotion, he knelt at the shrine of his idolatry. Subsidiary to this, 



50 THE IMPROMPTU" SPEAKER. 

there was no creed that he did not profess, there was no opinion that 
he did not promulgate ; in the hope of a dynasty, he upheld the 
crescent; for the sake of a divorce, ha bowed before the cross; the 
orphan of St. Louis, he became the adopted child of the republic ; aid 
with a parricidal ingratitude, on the ruins of both the throne and the 
tribune, he reared the throne of his despotism. A professed Catholic, 
he imprisoned the Pope ; a pretended patriot, he impoverished the 
country ; and in the name of Brutus, he grappled without remorse, aud 
wore without shame, the diadem of the Caesars. 

" The whole continent trembled at beholding the audacity of his 
designs, aud the miracle of their execution. Skepticism bowed to the 
prodigies of his performance; romance assumed the air of history; 
nor was there aught too incredible for belief, or too fanciful for ex- 
pectation, when the world saw a subaltern of Corsica waving his 
imperial flag over her most ancient capitals. All the visions of antiquity 
became common-place in his contemplation ; kings were his people ; 
nations were his outposts ; and he disposed of courts, and crowns, and 
camps, and churches, and cabinets, as if they were the titular digni- 
taries of the chess-board ! Amid all these changes he stood immutable 
as adamant. It mattered little whether in the field, or in the drawing- 
room; with the mob, or the levee ; wearing the. Jacobin bonnet, or the 
iron crown ; banishing a Braganza, or espousing a Hapsburg; dicta- 
ting peace on a raft to the Czar of Russia, or contemplating defeat at 
the gallows of Leipsig. he was still the same military despot. 

'• In this wonderful combination his affectations of literature must 
not be omitted. The jailer of the press, he affected the patronage of* 
letters ; the proscriber of books, he encouraged philosophy ; the 
persecutor of authors, and the murderer of printers, he yet pretended 
to the protection of learning ; the assassin of Palm, the silencer of De 
S ael, and the denouncer of Kotzebue ; he was t'>e friend of David, 
the benefactor of De Lille, and sent his academic prize to the 
philosopher of England. 

'• Such a medley of contradictions, and, at the same time, such an 
individual consistency, were never united in the same character. A 
Royalist, a Republican, a id an emperor ; a Mohammedan : a Catholic, 
and a patron of the synagogue ; a subaltern and a sovereign : a traitor 
and a tyrant; a Christian and an infidel: he was, through all his 
vicissitudes, the same srern, impatient, inflexible original ; the same 
mysterious, incomprehensible self; the man without a model, uad 
without a shadow." 

Climax is a figure of great force, by which the speaker 
commences at the lowest or weakest, and gradually ascends 
to the highest or strongest points. But it is after all a 
story within a story ; for a speech itself should he a cLmax, 
commencing with the weakest and closing at the strongest 
point. 

'• Time was, indeed, when the princes of a royal house, on returning 
from the chase, fired at the slaters at work on the house-tops of Paris, 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER 51 

and laughed to see them fall. Time was when kings made battues of 
their unhappy subjects, and power coerced panting poverty fill it stood 
hopelessly atbay or lay down in despair to die. Bat to-day all that 
has changed. The chase still goes on ; now poverty coerces power. 
The hunters have become the hunted, and the game is- royal." — 
Thomas Dunn English. 

Personification, by which we give abstract matters or 
inanimate things a distinct personality, is often effectively 
introduced. In his speech in opposition 'to war measures, 
Josiah Quincy made a very fine use of this figure. He 
said: 

'•An embargo liberty was never cradled in Massachusetts Oar 
liberty was not so much a mountain, as a sea nymph. She was free 
as air. She could swim, or she could ran. The ocean was her 
cradle. Oar fathers met her as she came, like the goddess of beauty, 
from the waves. They caught her as she was sporting on the beach. 
They courted her whilst ehe was spreading her nets upon the rocks- 
Bat an embargo liberty : a handcuffed liberty ; a liberty in fetters ; a 
liberty traversing between the four sides of a pri-on and beating her 
head against the walls, is none of our offspring. We abjure the 
monster. Its parentage is all inland." 

These, and other figures of speech, are more to be spurned 
than employed, if the novice desires to make an effective 
speaker. He will be apt to think them^ine, but this is an 
error. Even if excellent of themselves, they are apt to 
divert the mind of the auditors from the main question. 
Hence the best orators use them sparingly j and in any 
business speeches, never. In the latter, indeed, he is most 
effective who makes a plain statement, and occupies as 
, little time as possible in doing it. The young and tin- 
practiced orator does not make his speech, however, so much 
to gain a point, as to make a display. He is apt to think 
he has succeeded when some sally of his provokes laughter 
or wins applause. The practiced orator knows better ; and 
is far better pleased if he obtain a close and earnest 
attention from his auditors. Hence he avoids mere display, 
and strives to give epigrammatic force to his sentences, and 
to condense as much as possible. 

It is true that the style employed is to be modified a 
deal by the subject matter. In an oration on a set subject 
— in a lecture — in a sermon — or in a literary address, the 
style should be more ornate ; and in a dinner-speech more 



52 THE IMPKOMPTU SPEAKER. 

playful than in a business speech. But nowhere should the 
ornament be cumbrous or excessive. It ceases to be orna- 
ment when it makes up the main matter. And elegance 
may be had with the most sparing use of rhetorical figures, 
or without them at all. 

We recollect once attending the meeting of a council in 
a country town, where a proposal to pave the main street 
was under consideration. ' One member was in favor of 
using cobble-stones for the purpose, and delivered quite a 
long speech to show that this was the cheapest in the end, 
that it would require less repair than other modes, and 
would give the village quite a city -like appearance. His 
remarks made some impression, though they rather tired 
both the council, aud the townsfolk who were listening to, 
and interested in, the discussion. A quiet member, who 
rarely spoke arose and answered him, substantially, and in 
some part of our report, exactly, thus : 

"Mr. Chairman: I have listened with proper attention to the 
gentleman who has just sat down, and have weighed well all he has 
said. I differ with him, and prefer that we should macadamize the 
main street, for very plain reasons. The first cost of a. thorough 
macadamization is not* only less, but it will be cheaper in the end. 
Whether you cover the surface with broken stone, or with sand and 
cobble stones, the surface must be properly graded in either instance 
to receive this protecting coat. Thus far the cost is the same. Then 
begins the difference. The gentleman admits that to haul the gravel 
and to place the cobble-stones properly will cost more than to cover 
the surface with eighteen inches Of finely-broken stone. He thinks 
that the cobble-stone pavement would remain immovable, while the 
macadamized surface would fall into ruts. Tf he will go to any city he 
will discover that in a few months, more or less according to the 
traffic, the cobble-stone pavement changes from its level to a succession 
of hills and hollows ; that the gravel in which the stones are bedded 
retains moisture, and is acted on by frost which heaves the stones 
above more or less out of place. Repairs are costly. They require 
not only a resetting of the stone, but a readjustment of the gravel. The 
macadamized road, if made as it ought to be, of small stones with 
sharp edges, and without a mixture of gravel or clay, so that it will 
bend by pressure, and pack into a natural drain from the surface, is 
not upheaved by the frost ; and any ruts that are formed can be easily 
repaired with a few pecks of stones, if properly watched. As to the 
final reason in favor of cobble-stones, that it will give ' a city air ' to 
the main street, I presume this is meant as a sly bit of sarcasm, and 
is not to be taken seriously. But if the gentleman be really in earnest, 
I hope he will recall to his mind that we are not a city, and will not 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 53 

become so by putting on a city air ; and that he will remember the 
fate of* the unlucky frog who undertook to swell to the size of an ox, 
and came to great grief in the attempt." 

The council decided against the cobble-stones. 

The main points of an effective speech are clearness 
of idea, precision of statement, simplicity of language, 
methodical arrangement, and a style of handling that hits 
the subject. 

And, next, as to the manner of delivering the speech. 
We have already spoken about the attitude of the body, 
which should be free, natural and unconstrained ; and about 
the avoidance of mechanical gesture. Some persons stand 
as immovable as stone posts, which is bad, but bad as it is, 
it is infinitely better than the trick of others who sway 
themselves violently back and forth, or use their arms as 
though they were the handles of a force-pump or the sails 
of a wind-mill. 

We again call attention to distinctness of enunciation. 
Every word, syllable and sound, should be plainly articu- 
lated. While the voice should take the colloquial tone, 
the words should not be clipped, nor the sound of one run into 
the sound of another. This is an imperative rule, and can 
not be too much insisted on. In order to easily obey it, 
it is better to practice the vocal sounds, and repeat the 
labials, or lip sounds, dentals or teeth sounds, palatal or 
palate sounds and Unguals, or tongue sounds, first separ- 
ately and then in the words wherein they predominate. 
This done, the words wherein the dentals and Unguals come 
together, and finally those in which the nasal sounds join 
the rest, should be practiced sedulously. Words termina- 
ting in st, or t'st, or d'st, if not perfectly pronounced annoy 
the ear, and often embarrass the speaker who feels his 
failure to give them in their full force. 

The management of the voice requires careful study. 
Where the speech is narrative, or the statement of premises, 
the tone is that of ordinary conversation. Where the 
speaker warms with his subject, and becomes animated, the 
voice rises ; if he touches upon a pathetic subject, the voice 
at the more affecting parts, sinks. If he indulges in humor, 
he gives the funny point with an expected quickness j if he 



54 THE IMPROiTPTU SPEAKER. 

rises to the sublime, the voice takes on* a monotone. In- 
flections and emphasis mast be attended to, and closely 
studied. Inflection is nothing more than the change of 
tone — if it begin in a low tone, and end in a higher, that is 
called the rising inflection ; and if it begin in a high tone and 
end in a lower tone, that is the failing inflection. A 
question is given with a rising, and an answer with falling 
inflection. The only rule as to inflections which it is 
requisite to follow closely is to let them come from your 
own earnestness, and they will be natural, and so effective. 
Emphasis, which is the dwelling upon particular words, aud 
not the mere uttering them in a louder tone — you may be 
emphatic in a whisper — is to be carefully attended to. A 
false emphasis might alter your entire meaning. Thus to 
say — tl She does not love me," infers that I am loved by 
others but not by her — the emphasis on she really brings me 
prominently forward ; but to say — "She does not love 
■me, ,} intimates that she loves some one else, aud makes her 
the principal figure in the word-picture. 

Tlie great necessity of a young speaker is confidence, and 
oblivousness to the audience. How often you hear two 
well-informed men disputing on some topic, oblivious of the 
fact that you are listening. Observe with what animation 
and energy they make their points ! Notice how natural 
are their tones, how correct their inflections, #nd how grace- 
ful their gestures ! Their language is simple, refined, 
appropriate and forcible. But introduce thirty or forty 
people who shall sit down and listen in grave silence to this 
discussion. Notice how the spirits of the disputants sink ; 
how their tones of voice change ; how irregular are the inflec- 
tions, how uncertain the emphasis; what stiffness replaces 
the elegant gestures, and what embarrassment succeeds the 
ease of manner ! The first requisite then for the student 
of oratory is to learn to consider that he is engaged either 
in a discussion with a friend, or in talking to some member 
of his family. To do this more efiectually, he should use a 
colloquial tone of voice, and a familiar manner j should 
make na attempts at graceful gestures, or mere physical 
eloquence, but accustom himself to facing a crowd. He 
will find great help in this by looking at the farthest quiet 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 55 

individual before him, and addressing him solely, keeping 
his eye on that one alone. 

Practice speaking wherever yon can. Do not disdain 
the debating society. The subjects chosen for discussion 
there are generally absurd, or at least trivial ; but the 
practice is everything. Write out your views on any 
popular topic, and when you have done this, read it over 
again and again, prune it of all superfluous words 5. cut out 
all adjectives not absolutely necessary ; read it over again 
and again ; declaim it in your chamber, and then— r raake 
lamplighters out of the manuscript. If you expect to or 
are desirous of making a speech on any subject, or arc likely 
to be called to discuss it, read everything upon that subject 
you can find. Pore over, think over it in all its aspects, 
read both sides. You can not have too much knowledge. 
Knowledge aids you in matter — practice in manner. Read 
the speeches of Patrick Henry, the Randolphs, John Adams, 
Tristram Burgess (except his early ones), Josiah Quincy, 
Livingston, Clinton, Clay, Calhoun, Webster, Dallas, 
Douglass, Wise, Breckenridge, Wendell Phillips and 
Thaddeus Stevens in this country; and Chatham, Canning, 
Fox, Pitt, Curran, Burke, Grattan, Philips, Cobden, 
Brougham, Peel, Bright, Palmerston, Disraeli and Glad- 
stone in England. Practice the vocal sounds, so as to 
obtain a distinct articulation. Make yourself master of 
your art by patient toil, abandoning the false notion that 
eloquence is a matter of inspiration. You may meet with 
some mortifications 5 but if you persevere you will be able 
to speak whenever called on, not only to your own satis- 
faction but to the pleasure of your auditors, and if you do 
not become the perfect orator, it lies in your power to be 
an elegant and effective public speaker. 

And, finally, as to the end of the speech. When you 
have come to an end— .Stop ! 



56 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

PART V.-PRESENTATION SPEECHES SPECIALLY. 






THIS chapter is a wheel "within a wheel, and has been 
written after all the rest was in type. It is virtually 
a supplement — the result of an after suggestion ; and, no 
matter where the publisher may put it, should be placed 
as an appendix. 

An experienced friend, after reading the rest of the manus- 
script, said : " Your little work is very practical in the main, 
and calculated to be serviceable, unless the reader be a 
noodle ; but — " 

As he stopped here, and looked as wise as an owl, we 
inquired what followed the u but/' 

Said he, with the confidence of an oracle : " You should 
have devoted a chapter to Presentation Speeches. True, 
the man who reads your little treatise carefully, and digests 
the matter therein ought to be able to say what he has to 
say acceptably at least Ten to one, if he be the unhappy 
fellow who is to present something to some one on behalf of 
some others, or the unhappy fellow who is to get it, he 
won't. Give% few examples at least, of how the thing 
ought to be done — models for imitation." 

Now that is the very t hing we have avoided all through 
the book. We could cite some specimens to -show how the 
thing has been done at times; but they are not models. 

We remember one. A silver goblet was to be given to 
a civic gentleman, by a number of admirers in his ward. 
The night of presentation came, and brought with it the 
donors, the donee, the goblet, and a basket of champagne. 

After a moderate refreshment there was a dead pause. 
Then the chairman of the committee cleared his throat, and 
the auditors- breathlessly awaited the burst of eloquence 
from the silver-tongued orator. He struck an attitude — • 
one arm thrust backward, the other extended and rather 
drooping — the exact position of an old-fashioned pump. 
Then he spoke : 

" Alderman, that's the mug !" 

The recipient advanced, took the goblet by the shank, 

56 



THE IMPKOMPTTT SPEAKER 57 

satisfied himself of its probable weight, set it down again, 
and replied in a timid way : 

" Is that them ? Thank you. Gentlemen, let's imbibe." 

And they imbibed. 

We remember another. Here a watch was to be given 
another ward politician. The orator of the evening, com- 
menced with a slight historical sketch of the various in- 
struments, used for measuring and recording time — spoke of 
the dial of Ahaz, of the clepsydra, of ancient clocks, of the 
masterpiece at Strasburg, of " Nuremberg eggs," of wooden 
clocks, of escapements, of cylinders, of movements in 
general — a most cyclopedic summary of facts. From this 
he entered on a disquisition upon the value of time. Then 
he pounced upon the party to whom it was to be given, upon 
whom he pronounced a panegyric, and after a soul-stirring 
allusion to that variegated piece of bunting poetically known 
as the Star-Spangled Banner, and a passing reference to 
that mythical fowl usually called the American Eagle, 
wound up his hour and a quarter's work by handing over 
the chronometer. Then the donee began, and after occupy- 
ing a half hour in explaining the emotions that agitated his 
manly bosom, pronounced a solemn vow that the watch 
would go down to his heirs as an evidence, &c. We pre- 
sume that promise was kept — at least, about a year after- 
ward, the party being then out of office and impecunious, 
it went to his "uncle's " as an evidence that he had effected 
a loan of fifty dollars on it. 

On second thoughts we remember one more speech that 
was a very fair model in its way, and % it was by a man who 
never had made a speech before in his life, but who achieved 
a social reputation of an enviable kind by that single 
effort. 

The pupils of a well-known writing-master, at the close 
of the session, were so well pleased with the care taken by 
their teacher, that they subscribed and purchased for him 
a gold pen — a very neat affair, with a gold handle, studded 
With small diamonds. It cost twenty-five dollars — the 
share of each pupil being only about fifty cents. The class 
was made up mainly of clerks and workingmen ; and they 



58 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

selected as their spokesman a young carpenter. In the 
middle of the last lesson, the incipient orator, pen in hand, 
rapped loudly on his desk. The teacher, who was engaged 
in examining the copy of one of the pupils, looked up in 
amaze. 

" Mr. ." 

" Well f" said the teacher inquiringly. 

" Your pupils here" have planned a little surprise for you, and they 
hope it will be a pleasant one. They have obtained this pen, and have 
commissioned me to present it to you in their name. In their behalf 
I request you to accept it. not only as an acknowledgment of the care 
you have bestowed on their instruction in penmanship, but as a token 
of the good will they bear you, and as an evidence of how much they 
. appreciate your good temper, conscientiousness and the many other 
good qualities they have found you to possess. Although it is a very 
good pen, and a rather fine piece of workmanship, we expect you to 
prize it less for its intrinsic value, than for the proof it gives you, that 
where you thought you had only found fifty pupils, you find you have 
made fifty friends." 

The writing master was taken aback. The secret had 
been well kept, and he was thoroughly surprised. He 
stammered, hesitated, and at last said : 

" Well, gentlemen, I aeeept it in the same spirit that it was offered, 
and you may believe that 1 prize it very much. I am surprised, I am 
a good deal more — I am delighted. It is not the first time that I have 
received tokens like this from my pupils; but it always leaked out before, 
and I was quite ready. This time I'm caught unprepared ; but I can 
tell you that I am grateful in spite of the little embarrassment — not only 
for the gift, which is something : but for the kind words, which are 
more. I can shape letters better than- 1 can utter words; but if I 
have fifty friends here, and I know I have, each of the fifty has a warm 
friend in me, and—" 

Here he broke down, and they gave him three cheers ; 
and the whole affair wound up with a hand-shaking, and a 
good time generally. 

The great point of a presentation speech is the avoidance 
of extraneous matter. The next most essential point is 
that the words shall have an extempore air, and be cordial 
but not too familiar, have no. formality and yet not be 
flippant, and show feeling without any mock sentiment. 

It is quite common among parishioners now-a-days, when 
a clergyman has been rather over-worked, to give him 
leave of absence to travel, either to Europe or elsewhere; 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 59 

and the wealthiest of his congregation in that case make 
up a purse to defray his traveling expenses. This is 
usually presented at a vestry or committee meeting, or at 
the parsonage, or rectory. As the clergyman is the head 
of the spiritual family, the members of hi^ parochial charge 
approach him with more external marks of respect than 
ward politicians bestow on their leader. Thus the spokes- 
man may say : 

" Beverend and dear sir : Your parishioners are sorry to part with 
you, even for a brief time, and mors sorry that your health, broken 
down in the service cf our Divine Master, and in your ministering to 
the spiritual needs of your flock, requires change of air and scene to 
restore it. We desire to see you back amotig us as you were, ready 
to enter with renewed vigor on your labors. In order that- your mini 
may be free from any anxiety about pecuniary matters, and you may 
thus derive the most unalloyed pleasure from your travels, a few of 
your parishioners have taken the liberty of making up a small purse 
for your use. We know of no reason why your children in the i'aith 
should not take care of the mere physical wants of their spiritual 
father, and we ask you to accept this, as some token of the esteem and 
reverence we bear for you ; and with it to carry away our warm 
hopes for a pleasant voyage and a joyous return." 

Or he may say, more briefly : 

"■ Reverend and dear sir : We regret to lose you even for a time 
from our midst, but as we know you have been overworked of late, 
and require a slight vacation, we bear our parting as an unpleasant 
necessity. You must not go too scantily provided with means, and we 
expect you to permit us to discharge some part of our many debts to 
you, by this slight contribution which I am directed to place in your 
hands. The ties which join us are so tender and intimate, and yoa 
have been so completely the head of our spiritual household, that we 
claim it as our right to give, and your duty to accept, this little mark 
of our friendship and veneration." 

Or, more briefly still : 

" If you must leave us, brother , you must not go on your 

journey too scantily provided. Pray add this mite to your means of 
travel, and when you visit the scenes where our Lord lived and suffer- 
ed, remember pleasantly and affectionately your children in the faith 
whose hearts go forth with you in all your wanderings." 

A recent convention of the editors of New York state 
was marked by a pleasant little presentation episode, Mr. 
A. O. Bunnell, of the Dansville Advertiser, being the re- 
cipient of a handsome cane, a compliment from his editorial 



60 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

brethren. Mr. MacArthur, the spokesman, in the words 
of the Watertown Daily Times, "then stepped forward and 
confronted Mr. Bunnell with a weapon in his hand which 
looked suspiciously like a cane." 
He proceeded to speak as follows : 

" Sir, I am happy that it is my pleasant duty to address the hand- 
somest man in the state. I am delighted, sir, that to me is deputed 
the duty of caning you on this occasion ; and while I am not very 
strong in eloquence and power, I feel that I am able to cane you. 
You have discharged the duties of your position far more ably than 
any other member of our association could have done, and I certainly 
know that your hand-writing is a great improvement on Horace 
Greeley's. I assure you, sir, that the editorial association, of which 
you have been so long an ornament, feel that in presenting this cane 
to you, they but feebly acknowledge what you have done for them. 
Sir, I assure you that this is a gold-headed cane My only grief in 
parting with it is that gold is very scarce in our profession, and we 
wish to hold on to it as long as possible. Sir, I will not prolong these 
remarks. I am happy to be permitted to present this to you. I hope 
it will be many years before you find it necessary to rely upon this as 
your chief staff of life." 

Mr. Bunnell replied in the following manner: 
" Mr. MacArthur and brethren of the Association, I do not know 
what to say to-night. Your confidence in my integrity and ability, 
which has been expressed year after year, by re-electing me to a 
position responsible, and sometimes delicate, has touched my heart 
very tenderly. I wish I had better deserved this testimonial. But 
this renewed and intensified expression of your esteem has taken me 
by storm. This whole affair, this scene about me to-night seems like 
a wonderful dream of fairyland, and I know of but one way to account 
for it. One of the finest writers of the English language has said that 
' the world is curved round about with heaven. Its great, blue arches 
bend low on every hand ; and how one can get out of the world with- 
out getting into heaven is, to us, a physical mystery.' It seems to me 
that somehow I have got out of the world and got into heaven ; and 
as an editor I never expected to get into heaven, I don't know what 
to do or say now that I am there. Gentlemen, I can only thank you 
for this beautiful and costly testimonial, and I hope I may be better 
worthy of it than I have been in the past." 

Social gifts are usually attended with a little speech- 
making, for the family and its friends require something oi 
the kind, as a concession to the general love of gab. This 
should have even less farm than the parochial or the politi- 
cal gift speech. Thus at a wedding-breakfast, the uncle 
of the bride may desire to give her a watch. He seizes the 



THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 61 

opportunity after the guests have broken the edge of 
appetite, to interpose in the first lull of chat, by a direct 
address to the bride : 

" My dear Mrs. — —r." 

Of course, the lady starts at the mention of her new 
name, and looks up, blushing and all that. 

" My dear Mrs. : You are about to set out on two journeys, 

one, a marriage-tour, which will end in a short time, and the other, 
marriage, which only ends with the life of one of you. In all journeys, 
if you want to get along smoothly, you must be promptly, as the rail- 
road people say — ' on time.' To be on time, you must have a faithful 
watch. I believe you have a rather good one, but here is one that I 
think to be better. Be kind enough to take it, with the good wishes 
of your uncle, and all of your friends ; and remember that though you 
owe your first duty and your supremest love to your husband, your 
new condition has not separated you from your old connections, but 
merely introduced another into our family. God bless you, my dear 
child, and give you and your husband many and happy years." 

Fire-engine companies, militia organizations, and benevo- 
lent societies have their little presentations to make, and 
they are often puzzled how to get through the ceremonies 
properly. It is rather difficult to get up any eloquence 
over a silver speaking-trumpet, and even the subject of a 
sword has been so worn out. that anything novel is out of 
the question. But the speaker should remember that the 
thing presented has nothing to do with the talk. It is only 
necessary that it should be appropriate. To give a soldier 
a gold pen, or present a peaceable little tailor with a 
Toledo blade, would be impertinent,, at least. It is the 
motive of the gift, and the feelings which prompt the givers, 
with which the speaker has to deal. 

If the speaker is troubled as to matter, let him think on 
'the golden word " brevity." If he take the fire-trumpet in 
one hand, and the hand of the recipient in the other, and 
say: 

"My dear sir: Your fellow-members, who are also your personal 
friends, have commissioned me to present you this trumpet, as a mark 
of their respect for your efficiency as a fireman, and of their friend- 
ship for you as a man," 

— he will do very well. If he chooses to add : 

" It is a very pleasant duty to fulfill, I assure you ; for I share all 
their feelings to the very utmost," 



62 THE MPKOMPTU SPEAKER. 

— or words to that effect, he may with propriety 5 but he 
had belter stop with the first set. 

Frequently at school exhibitions, where books, or other 
testimonials, are given to pupils who have distinguished 
themselves by scholarship or deportment, or both, these 
are accompanied by a little speech This speech, which 
covers all the gifts, is mostly of the namby-pamby, goody- 
goody style, and neither pleases the audience nor satisfies 
the boys, which last are better judges of oratory than their 
elders are apt to think. The usual style is to say : 

" Master Jacky Goodboy : Your assiduity in the acquisition of know- 
ledge and your uniformly correct deportment during the period of 
scholastic duties, has rendered this acknowledgment — " 

And so on, ad nauseam. Jacky takes the book and goes 
down, with a wink, to his comrades, which, in the language 
of Winkland, means — " What an old pump l v 

It would be much better to say to him : 

" John Goodboy : This book, which I hope will interest and amuse 
you. is presented to you because you luive been attentive to your 
studies, and have behaved yourself in school properly. Continue the 
same industry and good manners during life, and you will no doubt be 
a successful man — at all events, .you will never have occasion to 
reproach yourself with idleness or bad manners, and that is a kind of 
success in itself." 

Or the speaker may say simply : 

" This book is given you as an acknowledgment of your attention 
to your lessons and your good behavior during school hours. Take it, 
with the good wishes of your teacher." 

And this last form expresses everything. "" The boys will 
understand it, and respect the teacher, and then the Wink- 
land dialect may be translated — " Ain't he a nice old fel- 
low P 

In the matter of sword presentations, as a general thing, 
some practiced speech-maker is chosen to do the talking. 
Where this is not the case, the task is by no means difficult, 
if the general rule referred to is borne in mind Say as 
little about the weapon as possible.. Allude slightly to 
war. Make ne reference to turning the blade into a prun- 
ing hook. Let the Roman Mars and the Greek Ares re- 
main in their respective mythologies. If the gift arise 



THE IMPKOHPTU SPEAKEB. 65 

from mere good-feeling and admiration, say so ; if because 
the recipient has distinguished himself on some martial 
occasion, say that. "In fact, the object of the speech is to 
show that you give the sword from personal feeling, or 
from a sense of duty ; and the words should express the 
object plainly, and no more. 
Thus, in the first instance : 

. " Colonel : You have now been in command of this regiment 

long enough for your subalterns and the rank and file, to appreciate 
fully your particular attention to your duties ; your interest in the 
prosperity of the force, and your peculiar fitness for command. They 
desire you to accept this sword, whose blade is without a flaw and 
has a matchless temper, and I give it in their name, with the hope 
that you will not only prize it from its beauty and serviceable qualities, 
but as one of the proofs that all under your command have learned the 
fact that a good officer may preserve the most rigid discipline, and 
yet retain the respect, esteem and warm affection of all his officers and 
men." 

Or, in the second instance : 

" Captain : You may be modest enough not to recall to your 

mind the day at (here name the battle,) when you led the charge so 
effectively on the enemy's line. But our memory is more active ; and 
as your old comrades and friends, we present you with this sword, to 
show somewhat our appreciation of your gallantry and worth. Take 
it. 'We hope you may never have occasion to use it — for as we have 
been in battle, we know that war is a duty at times, to be fulfilled 
when it comes, but never to be sought for. . But should the occasion 
arise when this blade has to be used, we commit it to you with the 
■full confidence that you will not draw it without cause, but when once 
drawn you will not sheath it until the glitter of its blade has lit the 
way to triumph." 

This last sentence has a rather warm figure, only to be 
used if there be plenty of champagne about. It might be 
better to say : 

" And will not then sheath it till the occasion for its use has past." 

But this depends a good deal on the quantity and nature 
of the liquor lying about loose. 

And talking of liquor, reminds us of another kind of 
presentation — the gift of a water-buqket, to a temperance 
advocate which it befell us once to have to speak for. It 
was a very small bucket of silver — about three inches by 
four, meant as a butter-dish ; but the idea* of the gift was 



64 THE IMPROMPTU SPEAKER. 

not ours, and others are responsible for the incongruity. 
As near as we remember the speech was thus : 

" Doctor A : A number of your friends, and friends of the 

cause, have requested me to act as their spokesman on this occasion. 
They ask me to present to you in their name this token of their ad- 
miration for your personal good qualities, and for the efficient and 
earnest way you have so long advocated the principles of total ab- 
stinence. It is, you see, a water-bucket, and so small as to seem 
almost a satire on those who advocate large draughts of cold water. 
But the truth is, while to the external glance it is a water-bucket, to 
the internal view it is a butter-dish. The cold water is to be outside 
and not in. Thus you see that the article is to represent the two 
most potent agents in the total abstinence reformation — the pump and 
the cow. There is a hidden meaning in it, I fancy. You are a 
bachelor — more shame to you. You have no wife, or you wouldn't 
love any but her, and a butter-dish is appropriate enough. And the 
shape conveys our wishes for your long life. You may kick at vice, 
kick at intemperance, kick at all the excesses that disfigure and des- 
troy society ; but out of sheer regard for the proprieties of life you 
can't kick at a thing given to you with the warmest feelings of friend- 
ship, and therefore cannot kick the bucket." 

There was nothing but cold water about, but from the 
uproar that followed, a bummer who was listening outside 
was heard to exclaim : " There's them teetotalers agoin' it 
— they're drunk again ! " 




HANDBOOK 0? VENTRILOQUISM. 

This little work, though only recently published, has mel 
with an extensive sale, and the testimony of readers and 
the press fully sustains our claim that it is the best treatis* 
on the subject that has been published. In all previous 
publications purporting to treat this subject, there has beer 
really very little practical information given ; and though 
perhaps in some cases readable enough, the main object 
which the purchaser desired, instruction in the art, was not 
attained. The instructions in the present volume are very 
plain and minute, founded on common sense, and by theii 
aid any one with patience and practise may become a ven- 
triloquist, as the learner, after a few lessons, is able to ex 
ercise this power in some measure. The course of study 
and practice is by no means disagreeable or tiresome. The 
book also gives instructions for making 

THE MAGIC WHISTLE, 

A little instrument easily made, at no cost, for imitating 
birds, animals, insects, and quite a number of other amusing 
imitations. Considerable practice is required to enable one 
to use the whistle satisfactorily. The entertainment to be 
derived from it, however, wMl amply repay the labor. 

" It is really a valuable aid to those desirous of acquiring 
the art, and the instructions and explanations are so simple 
And explicit that there is no difficulty in understanding 
»hem. It is prepared with much more care than we should 
?xpectin such a low-priced work, and makes a handy 

pocket companion.' " — Boston Wide World. 

_ " This little manual contains simple and explicit instruc- 
tions for acquiring the art of ventriloquism. Couched in 
language which a child can understand, the rules are so 
few and so easy that a little practice will enable any one to 
produce the most wonderful vocal illusions." — New York 
Atlas. 

" The author appears to have labored faithfully to explain 
the mysteries of the art, and to initiate the learner therein." 
—Yankee Blade. 



This, and all other works in our list, will be 
post paid on receipt of price. 

Price Fifteen Cents. 



SECRETS WORTH KNOWING. 

A COMPLETE HAND-BOOK *>F USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. 

Contains innumerable receipts for the rant •ufaclure of all kinds of useful articles, 
fncludiug Patent Medicines, Perfumery, UUii Oils, Pomatums, Dyes, Restoratives, 
Powders, Wasbes, Cements for filling Teeth, Cosmetics, Toilet Articles, CommoD 
and Fancy Soaps, Popular Beverages, including a large number of delicious ones 
just suited to tbe hot weather, healthful and cheap ; Candies of all kinds, including 
all the new and popular kinds ; Recipes for Housekeepers, Hundreds of Cseful Ar 
titles which are needed in every household, and a largo number of articles thai 
can be manufactured and sold at a good proac. Tn:s is no cheap trash, like many 
works that have been issued, but a carefully-compiled volume of 100 pages, i Q 
neat form for preservation. It will be fouml of great value for refcrenco, as you 
;an find recipes on almost every subject on which you desire to be posted. Price, 
only 25 cents. A single receipt may prove worth the entire cost of the woik. 

The value of this book may be judged from the fact that single recipes contained 
therein are sold at from 25 cents to $5, and in some instances even more. Thou- 
sands of persons are making money by 4he manufacture of articles, recipes for 
which will be found in this buok : witness the success of Spalding's Glue, the 
various roofing cements, indc'.libla inks, cordials, and the innumerable article! 
which everybody needs and will buy, and which can be manufactured and sold at 
a good profit. We have no wish to exaggerate — we do not offer any one a " fortune 
for 25 cents" — but we do offer to tell our readers how things can be made at small 
expense, which are selling every day in all parts of the country for five or ten 
times their original cost. A man of our acquaintance in this city is making several 
thousand dollars a year by making Lemon tyrup. " Secrets Worth Knowing" will 
tell you how to make it. We might multiply instances, but have not room. 



"Secrets Worth Knowing." — A neat and well-printed brochure of some 100 
pages, with this title is before us. It is a receipt book, but occupies a field some- 
what different from any other work. Though cooking receipts are given they 
form but a small portion of tho contents. Receipts, in the discretion of the pur- 
chaser, are given for almost every imaginable article, from patent or non-profes- 
sional medicines to liquid glue, and no doubt large profits could be realized by any 
one from the manufacture of many articles here enumerated. The receipts for 
wine-making will do much to aid in substituting harmless home-made beverages 
for poisonous " doctored" liquors. It is a good book for reference, beinj evident- 
ly prepared in good faith, and should be in the hands of all interested in its sub- 
ject matter. Haney & Co., of this city, publish it. — New Yorker. 

" Secrets Worth Knowing." — We have received this popular band-book of uni- 
versal knowledge. It contains over 2,000 valuable receipts. It is also a reliable 
guide for the preparation of all Y\nds of medicine. The remarkable cheapness ol 
the work places it within the reach of all. Price, 25 cents. Wm. D. Hess has it 
for sale. — Columbia (Pcnn.) Apy. 

" Secrets Worth Knowing." — A pamphlet with this title, containing over 2,000 
recipes for articles in various branches of manufacture, some of them extremely 
valuable, all afforded for the low price of 25 cents, has been published hv J. C 
Haney & Co., 1 9 Nassau street, N. Y. — Brooklyn Daily Union. 

* * * It contains over 2,000 receipts for making everything that one can con- 
ceive of. It seems to be prepared with great care, and is believed to be reliable. 
—T.'pelM State Record. 

" Secrets Worth Knowing"— Containing over 2,000 valuable receipts for the 
manufacture of articles of every -day use, and a reliable guide for the preparation 
of all the popular Patent Medicines of the day. — Orlean limes. 

* * * The book should be in the possession of every one. — Manhcim Sentinel. 

jjty The book can be had or any Bookseller or Newsdealer, or we will send a 
copy, post-paid, to any address, for 25 cents. 

Dealers will find it a quick-selling work. Trade supplied by all wholesale 1 
Wholesale and retail cash orders wiH be attended to promptly. 



THE TAXIDERMIST'S MANUAL, 



A NEW AND IMPROVED EDITION AT GREATLY 
REDUCED PRICE. 

THE Taxidf.rmisi 's Manual has for many 
years been a standard guide for the Col- 
lection, Preparation and Preservation of 
specimens of. Birds, Animals, Reptiles, 
&c, not only in England, where it lias 
reached its 20th edition, but in this coun- 
try also, where imported copies have 
sold largely at a high price. Frequent 
calls have induced us to prepare a care- 
fully revised edition, which, while con- 
taining all the matter of the English work 
excepting that of purely foreign interest, 
should also give such additional informa- 
tion as should adapt it specially to the 
requirements of this country- 
THE TAXIDEI'MIST'S MANUAL, in our new and improved edition will be 
found a full and accurate guide to best methods and latest improvements 
in everything relating to collecting, preparing, mounting, and preserving 
specimens of Birds. Animals, Reptiles, Insects, adapted to the comprehen- 
sion and wants of Amateurs, however inexperienced, while also sufficiently 
elaborate to be a valuable assistant to even the most expert. Many inter- 
esting and valuable specimens are lost, which, by aid of this work might 
have been preserved. Any boy or girl could preserve deceased pets. 
Even specimens of little scientific value readily bring remunerative prices 
for parlor ornaments, affording instructive, interesting and profitable em- 
ployment for leisure hours. 

Kemember, our edition of the TAXIDRRMfST's Manual contains much im- 
portant matter not to be found in the English work ; is lavishly illustrated 
with fine engravings and full pa°re plates, and is issued in neat and attrac 
tive form at less than one half the price of the English edition. 

PRICE ONLY FIFTY CENTS. 




NEW CHEAr BOOK OF ALPHABETS. 

FOR SIGN PAINTERS, DRAUGHTSMEN, &c. 

This volume is designed to meet the want of a cheap and handy collection 
of Alphabets suitable for all ordinary purposes. While confessedly iuierior 
in some respects to the very expensive works, yet it has some points of 
superiority over even these, and notwithstanding i ts low price lias become 
a standard work of reference in tli3 trade. Encouraged by the favorable 
reception of our fust edition we have issued a new, carefully revised, and 
greatly extended one which is proving even more popular. Accurate 
copies of all standard styles of lettering, and a great variety of ornamental 
styles are included, embracing late novelties just coming into notice. The 
book is designed as an aid in all classes of work from the simplest to the 
most elaborate. Some alphabets are inserted for special benefit of 
draughtsmen and designers. 

PRICE FIFTY CENTS. 



Good Books for Self-Improvement. 

SEIiF CURE of STAMMERING and STUTTERING. 

Gives a clear and full explanation of the most successful modes ot 
treatment, and enables the stammerer to cure himself without surgical 
operation or machinery, and without cost. 25 cents. 



Self-Cure of Debility, Consumption, Dyspepsia, 
Nervous Diseases, &c. 

This book is issued in response to an urgent demand. It tells the 
real nature of many things which have been grossly misrepresented by 
unprincipled medical pietenders, enabling the patient himself to as- 
certain his real condition, to distinguish between the important and 
the unimportant "symptoms," aud to escape the extortions of quacks, 
and to cure himself by simple means, within reach of all without any 
expense. The need of a reliable book of this kind, while lying and 
vulgar pamphlets are scattered in millions by quacks, is evident. Our 
book is simple in language, explicit in all directions, and founded on 
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thorough means of cure that are known. 75 cents. 



RAPID RECKONING. 

Asystem of performing arithmetical calculations with almost instan- 
taneous quickness. This system was the key to the wonderful perfor- 
mances of the "Lightning Calculator," whose exhibitions were the 
marvel of thousands. He sold the secret at §1 per copy. Our book is 
much enlarged, with many interesting additions. Any one can learn 
and practice. Valuable to bookkeepers, teachers, students and all 
business men. 35 cents. 



IMPROVEMENT OF MEMORY. 

Shows how to make a bad memory good anda good memory better; 
the system enabling all to strengthen their memories and often display 
a power which is surprising. 1 5 cents. 



EMPLOYMENT SEEKERS' GUIDE. 

Designed to present the advantages and disadvantages of various 
trades and professons, advice on investing money, starting in business, 
obtaining employment, qualifications necessary for different pnrposes, 
deceptive undertakings, comparative value ot different schemes for 
money making, and much useful and interesting matter, especially 
valuable to the young and inexperienced, enabling them to make best 
use of their abilities and avoid snares of sharpers and quicksands of 
business. 35 cents. In press. 



A GREAT TREAT FOR THE BOYS. 



LIFE. AND ADVENTURES OF 

Houdin the Conjuror, 

WRITTEN BY HIMSELF. 



This book gives in most charming style the wonderful, amusing and 
startling history of the most famous conjuror the world has ever known. 
Shows how the great French magician got his .first lessons when a boy, 
his experiences as aa amateur, his eventful life "on the road," his 
strange haps and mishaps, his marvelous feats, his expositions of the 
arts and secrets of other performers as well as his own candid laying 
bare of his own affairs, his famous magical contests with the renowned 
Arabian jugglers, how he defeated their arts and ^overpowered them 
with his own astounding tricks, and a vast fund of interesting matter, 
delightfully narrated, and holding the reader spell-bound from begin- 
ning to end. More fascinating than fiction — one of the few books which 
cnn be read over and over again with undiminishing interest. A book 
which no praise can give an .adequate idea of— it must be read to be 
truly appreciated and every reader will be an enthusiastic admirer, 
not only of Houdin's wonderful exploits but also of his admirable 
manner of narrating them. A rare" treat which no one should miss. 

We are happy to announce an excellent translation from the French, 
in one large octavo volume, liberally illustrated with new and hand- 
some engravings, from designs by the favorite artist, Mr, Frank 
Beard. Price only Fifty cents. 



Let those now laugh who never laughed before, 
And those who always laughed now langh the more. 

RUN EVERLASTING. 

A mammoth collection of the very best original and selected comic 
stories, jokes, witticisms, puns, funny yarns, laughable adventures, 
burlesques, and a general melange of jolly, rollicking good humor, 
with over one hundred humorous illustrations by the best artists. 
Notwithstanding its large size and its very superior character, we 
furnish it for only 15 cents. 



SPIRIT MYSTERIES EXPOSED. 

A full and clear exposition of all the marvelous feats of the Daven- 
port Brothers, Hume, and all "mediums," secret history of "spirit 
rapping," how to produce all the "manifestations," and a vast amount 
of remarkably curious, amusing and^nteresting matter. All so plainly 
told that any one may practice. The book is eagerly read, and edi- 
tion after edition is called for to supply the demand. With illustrative 
engravings, only fifteen cents. 




HANEY'S AR T OF TRAININ G ANIMALS. 

This book is a complete .guide, the otily one full}- aad 
specially- treating tlie subject, aud givs flora mformatitm 
about the training of aninals in single diopters than*other 
entire hooks. Has the "^host approved method.- of the 
most celebrated and successful trainers, thoroughly in- 
itiating the reader into all tlie secrets of the profession, 
exposing various bogus "charms," &c, sold to the cred- 
ulous at high prices, and telling, in fact, everything connected with the art <f 
breaking, taming, and training all animals, Uesieles containing a vast amount 
of information which will be cf real interest and value to farmers andolhers. it is 
full of attraction for boys. It not only explains how all the marvelous feats dis- 
played by trained animals at public exhibitions arc taught, but shows how 
many amusing and surprising tricks may be taught by any boy to dogs,p< nies 
or other pets. One gentleman writes us that his boys have organized quite an 
interesting amateur circus w th their pet animals, who have been taught many 
of the best tricks by following its instructions, and he proposes getting them a 
little tent. 

" Horses firing off pistols, answering questions by nodding or shaking their 
heads, dancing dogs and bears, performing canary birds and fleas, and the like, 
are 'some pumpkins,' but bow about those wonderful dogs who play dominoes ; 
eelect from a heap any article therein they are ordered to, and give it 1o any 
person named ; dogs who s^ell words by selecting lettered cards, or answer 
questions, tell your age or your fortune by the same means? Or the monkeys 
who enact little dramas, personating the characters in a manner to shame many 
of their human compeers? Or seals who play the hand-organ ? Fortunately 
for the excited juvenile community, a certain Mr. Haney has come to the rescue 
with a fall exposition of the Art of Training Animals, explaining these aid 
hundreds of other feats, to the infinite joy of every boy who can now convert 
his own pets into a cbeus troupe at :i cost about equal to a single admission to 
the 'big tent.'" — X. Y. Evening Express. 

"•There is scarcely an animal which has escaped our author's clutches, and 
he has certainly presented a vast amount of interesting information touching 
their character and tuition. Isot only are the ordinary feats of the circus ex- 
plained, but the most intricate tricks exhibited by some few renowned 'stars ' 
anionic animal performers." — Turf, Field, and Farm. 

" Tlie performances of trained animals have always been_painful rather than 
ir'eresting to us, from the thought of the amount of suffering necessary to bring 
it about. The author of this book, however, tells us how to Irain or "pet dogs, 
cats, horses etc., to very wonderful feats at only the expense of a little patience 
and skill.''— Little Corporal. Chicago. 

"Even those who do not seek it for its information will find it agreeable to 
read." — Providence Press. 

" A large variety of information, truly, to be embodied in a single book at so 
small a price." — New England Fanner. 

"The raising and training of pets is a pleasurable occupation, and one that 
we would like to see encouraged among our farmers' boys." — Prairie Farmer. 

"Mingles with its clear directions a number of pleasant incidental facts, 
plensantiv told." — N. Y. Day Book. 
." Furnishes very entertaining reading." — Phila Daily Ledger. 

"Will entertain* both old and young." — Advance. 

" We have to thank Mr. Haney for many facts regarding- ammals beyond + he 
mere trainer's province, which it is interesting to knew." — Boston Am. Union. 

210 Pages. 60 Illustrations. Paper Covers 50 cts.; Boards, 75cts.; Cloih$l. 

For sale by bookseller? generally, or sent by mail, post-paid, on receipt of 
price. 



HUNTING, TRAPPING, and FISHING 
Made Easy. — New. reliable, ami gives more mat- 
ter tlian any dollar book, double amount of any 25ct 
book, including preparation and use of bait, traps. &.O., 
all modes of preserving and preparing skins and fur*, 
and much other practical and valuable information — 
just what is wanted. Price lower than any other; none 
, (even at $2 or $5) more reliable ; none at less than $1 
as reliable and complete. Examine at any bookstore 
»od prove. Only 20 cts. of booksellers or by maiL 
JESSE Hi^NEY & CO., 119 Nassau St., tf . Y. 

Tn^ Aim of this little book is to furnish a cheap and reliable 
handbook on the subjects of Hunting, Trapping, Fishing, and 
the preparation of Skins and Furs, with such other informa- 
tion on kindred subjects as shall be useful to the reader, 
whether he proposes to follow our instructions as a source ol 
profit or merely for amusement. It is not pretended that this 
little volume gives everything of interest or value — no one book 
has ever done so, even among those costing from three to five 
dollars. Our book will, perhaps, be more serviceable in the 
majority of cases than even these costly works, because just 
the information most universally desired — the cream, we may 
say, of the bulky volumes. 

YVhile these elaborate treatises answer the demands of luxu- 
rious readers, and those desiring complete libraries, there is 
an urgent want of a cheap and reliable work devoted to the 
practical branches of these subjects. It is simple truth to say 
that this w r ant has never been supplied. Mere loic price is not 
"cheapness," and if an instruction book cannot be relied on 
it is dear even as a gift. That no reliable book of this kind 
has heretofore been published at less than one dollar is to be 
easily ascertained by any one who cares to devote the money 
to purchase, and the time to examine, the various things adver- 
tised. The most pretentious of these seems to have secured 
all the unreliable recipes floating around, the very ones most 
highly extolled in the book are certain "charms" exposed 
long ago in Haney's Journal, and known by all competent to 
judge to be just the contrary to what is claimed for them in 
this " guide." The concoctor of that collection we can only 
acquit of deliberate falsehood and fraud, by supposing him too 
ignorant to be aware of their real character. We believe in 
addition to their worthlessness, that, in nearly every state, 
their use will subject the credulous victim not only to heavy 
fine but a probable s< jotirn in prison. Whatever is good in the 
book ia certainly not original, and is better obtained in its ori- 
ginal sources. 



ART OF TRAININ8 ANIMALS;, 

A complete guide for amateur or professional trainers, explaining the most 
approved methods of the most celebrated and eucoessf ul trainee a, thoroughly 
initiating the reader into ail the secrets of the profession, exposing varioua 
bogus ^charms," &c, sold to the credulous at high prices, aad tellin?, in 
facts everything connected with the art of breaking, taming, and training all 
hinds of animals. It includes a new and improved method oi horse aud colt 
breaking, selection of horses, management of farm animals, watch and sport- 
ing dogs, and a complete, system of teaching all Circus Tricks. Besides all 
these, it has a chapter on Snake Charming, chapters on Singing, Talking, and 
Performing Birds, including information which is alone worth the price of 
the book to any bird owner. 

An Idea of the book may be gleaned from the following partial synopsis of a 
few oft -ie chapters : 

Horse Taming and Horse Training. — How to' manage a horse, conquering 
vicious and breaking wild horses, kindness and firmness, curing stubborn 
disposition, the tamers tools, to teach a horse to stop, to teaca a horo to back, 
to make a horse follow you, to stand without holding, whip training, to drive 
without bit or bridl^ io cure bilky horses, to prevent harnessed horses run- 
ning away, to instantly stop a runaway horse. 

Trick Horses. — Appliances used in teaching tricks, to teach ahorse to sit up, 
to kick at command, to answer questions, to jump, to stand erect, to " pirou- 
ette," pe .estil feat, to kiss, to fetch and carry, to find hidden articles, to select 
chosen card, to fire pistol, to dance, to eat at table, to play hand-organ, to 
feign lameness, to walk over you, &c 

Performing Dogs. — Simple tricks and training, to teach him hi3 name, to leap, 
to walk erect, to dance, to jump rope, to sit and lie down at command, to 
beg, to give his paw, to sneeze, to speak for it, to fetch and carry, to bring you 
his tail in Irs month, to stand on a bill and roll it up and down a plank, to 
walk on stilts, to go up and down a ladder, to stand on his head and walk on 
fore legs, to "sing," lamp of sugar trick, to f j ign death. 

Wonderful Feats of Dogs. — Celebrated canine performers of the world, to 
teach dog's the alphabet, to select from a number of articles any article called 
for, to place any article in any place directed, or give it to any designated per- 
Bon, to eat any article of food and leave any other, as he may be ordered, to 
play dominoes, " Munito" and " Mile. Bianca," their wonderful performan- 
ces, how they were really achieved, tricks of exhibitors, as well as tricks of per- 
formers, real education vs. clever deception, full details of training, canine 
actors. m r 

And over twenty other chapters. Gives more information about training 
animals in a single chapter than any other entire work. It w cram full of stories 
and anecdotes about celebrated performing animals, and is a most interesting 
and readable book, even to those who care little for the mere secrets asd in- 
structions. Over 200 large 12mo. pages, aad over 60 illustrations. Only 
50 cen ts in paper covers, and $1.00 in cloth binding. 

Just published, and may be had of all booksellers, or by mail, post-paid, on 
receipt of price. Tiade supplied by News Companies and wholesale houses. 
JESSE HAJVEY Si CO., 119 Nassau St., New Yorlc. 

*' Every man who owns an animal, from a horse to a canary bird, sbP'-ld have 
a copy. It will teach him more in a week than he could learn in a '•.lo-time with- 
out it. . . .No more acceptable book could be put into the hands .,» boys wbo Jive 

in tho country It will at ence take its place as astandaru work . . . Wa do not 

know ot a book better worth tha price asked for it.''— New York Evening Press. 

«■ It seems to be a guide not only toteaching the more intelligent of the dumb 
beasts good tricks, but also of breaking them of bad ones." — Prov Morn.Herald. 
' It is highly spoken ot by tbose capable of judging. ■"' — Chicago Eve. Journal. 

" Will commend itself to most readers interested in animals." — Boston Even- 
ing Traveler. 

•' The anecdotes are quite amusing, and will entertain both old and young."— 
Advance, Chicago. 

« The general method recommended is reasonable."— Brooklyn Daily Eagle. 
' ' A more complete manual of tna art of ammal training than this would be 
difficult to imagine."— N. Y. Evening Express. 

* ' The teachings are very clear, and the illustrations numerous, leaving nothing 
in the dark." — American Union. *^ 

11 With all its precision, it is by no means a purely didactic work, but mifegies 
With its clear directions a number of pleasant facts, pleasantly told.''— Day Book, 

'* The courses commended must end in success.'*— Flag of Our Union, 



Slow Horses Made Fast and Fast Horses Made Faster.— 

System of increasing speed to which Dexter owes his supremacy, with much useful 
information for ail horsemen. Endorsed by Robert Bonner, Esq. SO ct» 

College Scrapes.— The best expose of college life and college fun ever 
issued. A rare treat full of queer aud amusing incidents, jollies* book out, with many 
comic illustrations, '*> cta - 

Houdin the Conjuror.— His remarkable life, amusing and startling 

adventures and marvelous feats. Large octavo, illustrated. / 50 cts 

Taxidermist's Manual.— A complete and practical guide to collect- 
ing, preparing and preserving all kinds of birds, animals, insects, reptiles &c. 50 ots. 
* Fun Everlasting-.— A mammoth collection of the very best original 
and selected comic stories, jokes, witticisms, puns, funny yarns, laughable adventures, 
burlesques, and a general melange of jolly rollicking good humor, with over one 
hundred humorous illustrations by celebrated artisis. We believe no one can fail to be 
well pleased and enjoy many a hearty laugh over its endless fund of amuse- 
ment. IS cts 

Book of Advertised Wonders.— A collection of the various arts, 

seerets, money making schemes, "patent" rights, recipes, &c, of all kinds and 
qualities sold by traveling speculators and l>y newspaper and circular adverisers, 
embracing much that is really valuable, much that is worthless, and much that is 
fraudulent; with notes explanatory of the real character of each, which will save 
costly fees to speculators aud in many cases waste of time and material. Collected aj 
an expense of over $250. 100 pages. 50 cts. 

Self Cure of Stammering*. — Not an advertising pamphlet but a 
concise and plain exposure of the most approved and successful methods of Self Treat' 
ments, with exposure of empirical and dangerous devices. . 25 cts. 

Self Cure of Debility, Consumption, Dyspepsia, Nervous- 
ness, <fcc. — Advertises no doctor or medicine, but gives plain, instructions for self cure 
by simple means within reach of all which will cost nothing, and are the surest, safest, 
and quickest methods of cure. Dangers of advertised modes of treatment, quack nos- 
trums, &c, are pointed out. ft? eta 

Sign, Carriage and Decorative Painting-. — An entirely new 

practical work, giving full and plain instructions in these and kindred branches ; only 
book treating FJIESCO. This book is entirely distinct from our "Painter's Manual," by 
a different author, and is designed especially for those who wish a book treating sped' 
ally the subjects of Sign, Carriage and Decorative Painting. It is believed it will prove 
as popular and useful with those persons as has our " Painter's Manual " with the pro- 
fession in general. Illustrated. 50 cts 

Soap-Makers' Manual. — Plain and practical guide for the manufao 

ture of plain and fancy soaps, hard and soft soaps, washing fluids, medicinal soaps, etc. 
for the guidance of families and manufacturers. Has exposures of the adulterations 
practiced, and illustrations of most approved machinery for those desiring to operate me- 
dium sized works. Has best American, English, French and German formulas. 25 cts 

Handbook of Dominoes. — Gives full instruction* in all games with 

Dominoes, including new and popular Foreign ones. IS eta. 

Horse Shoers' Manual. — Includes preparation of foot, choice of 

shoes and their preparation, fitting, filing, nails and nailing, shoeing with leather, cut- 
ting, removing, etc. Plain and practical, with numerous engravings; also includ03 You- 
att's Treatise on Diseases pf the Horse's Foot. 25 eta 

Home Recreations, or How to Amuse the Young- Folks. — 

Designed to afford fresh and agreeable entertainment for juvenile parties, holidays, and 
the home circle. Illustrated. 25 cts 

Spirit Mysteries Exposed. — A complete and plain exposition 

of all the marvelous feats of the "spirit rappers" and "mediums," Davenports, 
Hume, &c. So fully laid bare that any one can perform. Illustrated. 15 cts. 

Book of Alphabets. — For use of Painters, Sign-writers, Draughts- 
men, &c. SO eta 

"Watchmakers' and Jewelers' Manual. — Latest and most ap- 
proved methods and secrets of the trade, embracing watch and clock cleaning and repair- 
ing, tempering in all its grades, making tools, compounding metals, soldering, plating, 
etc, with plain instructions for beginners, etc. 25 cts 

ISP" For sale by booksellers generally, or sent by mail, postage paid, on. receipt of 
marked price. 

JESSE HANEY & CO., 119 Nassau Street, New York. 



v20U ADVERTISED INFORMATION FOP 50 COHtS 1 

By means of circulars and newspaper advertisements a thriving business is done 
in selling recipes, rights to make or use wonderful discoveries, ard various secrets, 
&c. Some of them are good, some worthless, some fraudulent. Many invest a few 
shillings or dollars out of mere curiosity or in hopes < f money making or gaining 
knowledge. We have collected at cost of over $250 all the prominent of these ad- 
vertised things. Their sellers we find have no exclusive right to them, so we pro- 
pose to give our $350 worth to the public in a neat little book which we call the 

BOOK OF ADVERTISED WONDERS. 

This gives the good, bad and indifferent, but with comments explaining the real 
character of each. The following list will give an idea of the contents: 

It tells you how to make vinegar in ten hours from molasses, sorghum cider, <fcc, 
without drugs or chemicals; American gin without any distillation at 16 cts. per 
pint ; Premium mead ; Ale without malt or hops ; Cure for asthma ; Imitation cog- 
niac brandy equal to finest French genuine; Glycerine cement; Chinese art of 
dwarfing trees; How to raise the vinegar plant; Bee-keeper's secret for securing 
fertilization of young queens by any drones desired ; How to secure nearly double 
the usual product in artificial fish raising; Chemical paint, durable and odorless, 
of any color, without oil ; Great water-proof varnish for boots and shoes; Kapno- 
phyte, the new departure in fertilizers ; Great art of chemicalizing manure; Great 
vegetable remedy for burns, scalds, &c. ; Food for mocking birds ; Death to the 
cotton worm ; India-rubber cement. 

Nickel plating withouta battery ; Art of saw-filing; Remedy for love of strong 
drink; Hunter's secrets and private guide to trappers; "Mad-stones," how to find, 
how to prepare and how to use the great natural remedy for bites of poisonous or 
rabid animals ; Seltzer aperient; Excelsior axle grease; Art of sharpening saws ; 
Magical British washing powder; Printer's indispensable, improving and drying 
inks of all kinds and colors — greatest help to good printing ever invented; Im- 
perial fly paper, or "catch 'em alive oh !" Soluble blues, or liquid bluing ; English 
harness blacking; Preserving grapes in their natural condition all winter; How 
to make brandy from shavings ; Apple butter without apples ; Old orchards made 
new, Kainite, or tree medicine ; Safety gunpowder; 100 pounds of soap for one dollar; 
How to keep apples fresh and sound all winter ; Tyler's permeating powder , How 
to restore vitality of seeds; Hunter's Secret ; How to make honey from tomatoes ; 
Chinese art of catching fish; Infallible remedy for potato rot; Liquid black lead 
polish ; " All farmers ai,d horse owners ;" Barrel of soft soap for 75 cts. ; Dead 
shot for rose slugs; Scrofula ointment; Rat killing without traps or poison ; Baking 
powder; Maple sugar without maple trees. 

Fifty methods of making money; Fire-proof paint; Premium black writing 
ink; Magic copying; Vegetable salve; Counterfeit detector; Art of painting on 
glass; Celebrated chemical compound ; Hunter's secret; Soft soap ; Starch polish : 
Cider better than from apples and not intoxicating; Rheumatic liniment; Magnetic 
ointment; Indian pills; Red ink; Blue ink; Indelible ink, without preparation; 
Luminous ink ; Red ruling ink ; Yellow ink ; Invisible ink ; Water-proof Composi- 
tion ; Gunpowder; Shaving soap; Hard solder; Soft solder; Silver plating fluid ; 
Great pain extractor; Matches; Horse taming; Oil-paste blacking; Metals pre- 
served from rust ; Sealing wax ; Cologne water ; Hair restorative ; Curling liquid 
for the hair ; Excelsior hair oil ; Celebrated tooth powder ; Cough syrup ; Univer- 
sal liniment; Brick paint; Wood paint ; Best varnish ; Leather varnish ; Almond 
soap; Fancy soap ; Non-explosive burning fluid; Florida water; Macassar oil; 
Lavender perfumed water; Buffalo oil. 

Sun-light oil; Corassa compound; Inman's cure for nervous weakness, &c. ; 
Clover vinegar; Curing pork without brine; Sure and safe remedy for warts; 
Electric blacking ; How to add 50 per cent, to yield of grain at trifling labor and 
expense; Hardening gloss for printer's inks; Whiskers in six w r eeks ; Beautiful 
art of transferring any kind of pictures to glass ; Great American washing fluid; 
Liebig's great fertilizer; Gilding without a battery; Water witching, or art 
of finding hidden water, oil or other valuable fluids beneath the ground, with the 
forked switch ; Yeast from grape leaves ; How to soften hard water; Butter with- 
out milk or cream — artificial butter whi< h cannot be told from genuine; Chinese 
cure for neuralgia ; Pain paint; Artificial fruit syrups for soda water, and a secret 
for adding largely to profits; Meat preserving in hot weather; Bordeaux wine 
imitation; Art of waterproofing cloth; Phycometic fascination, or art of soul 
charming; Colored fires for theatrical and other purposes; Boiler incrustation pre- 
ventive; Vegetable cure for hydrophooia ; Egg preserving secret; Laundry secrets ; 
Art of pickling meat in one day. 

ISP" In neat 12mo volume of 100 pages, PRICE FIFTY CENTS. 



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